Expression of His Grace

A young child loses his family in a tragedy. An elderly woman raped by her own grandson. A healthy person dies of cancer. These and more of what life has to offer mystifies the human soul. Life is so fragile that at a moment's glance it is gone.

Our family spent our Christmas at the hospital. To some, they may see it as a tragic event, but for us, it is times where we see miracles happen, a time when grace abounds. A moment to celebrate life the way our Father designed it.

Due to human's minute understanding of God's sovereignty, we tend to blame God for the things that happened to us. We let our emotions bring us to the level where we despise God and find our own means. Little do we understand that when we are despondent, it is also the time when he had carried the burden for us. Remember the "Footprints in the Sand?" Then again, we are stubborn and ungrateful. We only want to see things that we wanted and as a result, we fail and dishonor God. We overlook the blessings that would have been flowing towards us if we had followed God's plan.

I am a witness to God's sovereign power over us. We could have celebrated Christmas in pain and agony but instead, we had a peaceful heart knowing that if we would lift our burdens to Him and have faith, life isn't awful at all.

"Rejoice, you people of Jerusalem! Rejoice in the Lord your God! For the rains he sends are an expression of his grace. Once more the autumn rains will come, as well as the rains of spring." - Joel 2:23

Life In Mono

when all is empty
when all is lost
when all that I've gathered
was nothing but a loss
whom shall I turn to?
where shall I start?

when words have been said
when everything is done
when all of the promises
have been kept but none
to whom do I believe?
to whom shall I run?

when melody fades
and the instruments broken
when lyrics are missing
and note's aren't playing
whom shall I listen to?
what will I sing?

when lips are sealed
and smiles are held
when speaking is nothing more
but losing than winning
what will I hear?
how shall I bear?

when philosophy is a means
to understanding each other
when logic is important
over humility and compassion
will there be love in caring?
will there be joy in giving?

life is colored then in monochrome
and songs are sung in monotone
words will be heavy like a rolling stone
hearts will be as cold as an empty home.

Wasted Time

I've lost this time and past
I could never make everything last
Because time flies so fast
One day you're here, gone tomorrow in a flash.

A lot of time I have wasted
A moment's sweetness I have tasted
A second or two it lasted
The rest of the time I am busted.

If only I could turn back time
I would go back to when you're mine
I'll chase every memory and chime
For you and me to be in rhyme.

But time is gone so fast it traveled
I am left alone and I wandered
A game I've made, now I surrendered
I'm giving up, before hope is shattered.

Road To Nowhere

Streetlight's glow is spreading
Into the street where I am standing
Behind me the darkness is dreading
Now that I don't know where I am heading.

Ahead my shadow lies silhouette
The farther I go, the thinner it gets.

Up above me the sky is low
Graced with stars that shines and glows
Like a river that freely flows
Into somewhere I do not know.

From somewhere my life began
Into nowhere will I be gone?

This darkness inside is suffocating
That only leaves me barely breathing
Where is the light that I am seeking
No sign, no spark, not even lightning.

I wish someone would always be there
While I travel this road to nowhere.

The Government of Craps

Most of us, if not all, have been a victim of a bureaucratic system. Below are my personal opinions to some of the “bureau’s” I had transactions with. This very rotten system that preys on nothing but the middle class society who are aware of their canine cravings but are defenseless. Let me start with the players:

THE PROFESSIONAL REGULATIONS COMMISSION
This canine department feeds on young bloods who want themselves to be “professionalized” and whose minds are “tabula rasa” in the “do’s and don’t’s” and the “how’s and why’s” of the department making them an easy prey. Also this canine department caters to the trying to be professional, professional by word and the true blooded professionals. The later is quite sleek to be a prey for them. Under this department is a bunch of craps who call themselves “professionals”. Indeed they are pro in the arena of the public market (palengke!). For there you will find how they deal with professionals and would-be professionals “professionally”. Pray they will be enlightened with a plan that would cut the line of applicants short.

THE BUREAU OF INTERNAL REVENUE
Another bunch of craps whose main goal is to imbibe all the nutrients out of everybody except them. I’m wondering whether they are paying their taxes too? Hmmm... well they would get the very last centavo that they could get out of you in order to splurge on the whims of the government officials making it a valuable contribution to the growth of our GDP and GNP under “government expenditures”! Sounds good huh? Well that is because this pack of canines are intelligent enough to manipulate the income of the government into what is seemingly beneficial to the eyes of the public.

DEPARTMENT OF PUBLIC WORKS AND HIGHWAYS
These canines are builders. Engineers. Supposedly genius in building bridges, highways and other infrastructures that greatly contributes to the development of a country. Certainly, they have done a great job in building bridges that collapses in the midst of a great pressure of flood water, highways that ends in a rough road waiting to be finished by the next election and even cracks with just a small amount of built water. These canines are the master builders of the never ending maze of rough roads and beautifully crafted bridges of snares. They make good partners of neighboring countries whose ingenuity is none the less like them.

DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION
This is one of the intelligent designs of the Government of Craps. These canines are task to educate young and future generations to feel, think and act like a true-blooded canine. They produce government officials who are good manipulators of their subordinate. They also produce responsible citizens of the country. Yes! Responsible citizens, responsible for all the rallies, strikes, leftist, critics and the like with the purpose of crashing down the ever wonderful Pearl of the Orient Seas in order to put up their own individual government! How is this done? Cut the budget, supply erroneous books, deploy incompetent teachers and provide dilapidated classrooms and in a year the goal is achieved.

BUREAU OF IMMIGRATION
These bunch of migratory birds are the most hospitable among the canine family. They serve you with a BIG SMILE and with a voice of a siren and will process your documents and papers right away. The only requirement: be a FOREIGNER! Hahaha. Unfortunately I am not, so I have to wait till my papers are into the eternity of waiting as bunch of passports and other papers pile over yours. The rest would be history.

THE HOUSE OF SENATE
This is my favorite. This department consists cute and cuddly little boys and girls playing with each other. They are tasks to create laws the would benefit the entire nation. Empathetically, they have done a great job. They have created laws that would protect the carabaos (water buffalo), a law that would inhibit law enforcers to imprison juvenile murderers, adding to the perversity of an already deviant society not to mention other nonsense laws. In addition, they spend their entire session and spend billions of pesos scrutinizing each other which would conclude into a never ever been closed cases, while wasting the people’s money into nothing but unprofitable things: The effect? The service sector becomes ineffective. The laws irrelevant. And the country is at a loss.

THE LOSERS
These comprises the middle class men and women who have no power to undo, redo and/or overwrite what has been done. All is taken out of them but nothing is given in return. The pay for the services they never even used. They are the source of quality meat that these canines need. Thus, creating a very good balance of nature neither mutual nor commensal but predatory. Other losers endure and stay, while most leave adding to the chain effect of a deteriorating society.

THE COMMON DENOMINATOR
We see that with only these few sectors of the bureaucratic system, it can already create a ripple of sinister that can destroy the entire nation. How much more if we add the other departments who are doing the same thing. This country not only thrives in an underground economy but also in “under-the-table economy.” The root is not corruption, nor under qualified government officials whose votes are gained from either the uneducated voters, payed voters, flying voters or by popularity where politics is very showbiz for most Filipinos, no wonder a lot of showbiz personalities wins in the election. But it is the selfishness of the person-in-charge of the position himself. Let’s check our attitudes and motives towards the goal we are trying to accomplish. Not to forget the externalities which would inadvertently either benefit from the good that we create or further destroy the foundation of the society.

Passion Rekindled

I was walking alone in the street with my phone in my hand trying to send a message to my sister when suddenly somebody called my name, “Mike!” I looked back and there standing just a few meters away from me holding a bag of laundry is the person I have pry to forget! The one person who captured my heart and inspired me of writing these things. The source of most of the poems I am writing. This made me smile. Smile that can never be zipped throughout our conversation. Bidding goodbye was not hard. Instead, it’s the little moment that passes by as I headed to my direction. The blood rushing through my veins making my heart beat faster. I feel like I’m a dormant volcano where magmas slowly reaching the apex to where I would explode! Fortunately, I’ve learned to control and kept everything to myself. But I know this is one hell of a big job for me.

All the while I thought, I have forgotten everything. That I am okay now. That I have moved on. But I was wrong. The events that just happened a few hours ago made me realize that the emotions I have for the person for so long wasn’t totally wiped off, but was just sleeping like a gentle giant ready for battle once triggered. Or maybe this is how you feel when you have missed the person so much!

Then again, I must retreat from the dreamy world I usually create, otherwise I would live to the illusion of things of momentary ecstasy and end up breaking my very own heart.

Sa Pag-ihip ng Hangin at Paglagas ng mga Dahon

Kasabay ng simo'y ng hangin at pagaspas ng mga dahon
Alaala ng nakaraang niluma ng panahon
Habang sa ugoy ng duya'y di umaahon
Muling sariwain ang matamis na kahapon.

Alaalang kay ganda, dulot saki'y ligaya
Isang gabi ng saya, oras ay 'di alintana
Bukang-liwayway sa bintana'y makikita
Nakaraang gabi pala'y isa na lamang gunita.

Parang kailan lang, mga buwan ay lumipas
Mga larawan mo'y nabubulok, naaagnas
Isang yugto sa buhay, 'di na muling magbubukas
Tulad ng mga dahong sa ihip ng hangi'y nalalagas.

Ngunit bakit kalungkutan ang sa akin ay hatid
Mga oras at sandali'y tila 'di mapapatid
Bawat kisap ng mata, luha ay 'di lingid
'pagkat ikaw pa rin ang tinitibok nitong dibdib.

Damdaming ito ba'y kailan magwawakas
Mga sugat na humilom, naiwa'y mga bakas
Akin pa bang aasahan, pangako ng bukas
At patuloy na kumapit sa mga salitang tila hiyas.

Pag-ibig

Sabi nila and pag-ibig ay maganda
Dulot nito'y tuwa't saya sa nangungulila
Parang isang bukal sa tigang na lupa
Isang bahaghari kapag ulan ay tumila.

Sabi naman ng iba pag-ibig ay sumpa
Malaking kasinungalingan, lulan ay masama
Sa paglipas ng panahon lalong lumalala
Daig pa ang bagyo kung puminsala'y walang sawa.

Ang pag-ibig nga naman kay lalim ng kahulugan
Kaya sa karamihan ito ay kababalaghan
Ngunit sa iba nama'y bagay na karikitan
Kaya iyong damhin ng maintindihan ng lubusan.

Little Lucy

Little Lucy knows that when her Daddy shows
He would bring her kisses that would make her face glow
Beautifully her dress on the pavement flow
As she plays with her Daddy in the field of snow.

Little Lucy knows that when her Daddy leaves
It would break her heart and everybody grieves
The days would be long, as if stolen by the thieves
But her Daddy goes home this very same eve.

Now Little Lucy's dad is ill and weak
He cannot go back to his workplace this week
On his bed he lays and in stillness he would squeak
To Little Lucy's ear "I love you" he would speak.

To her room she enters and in the corner she sits
The light is dim and silently she weeps
A sigh is heard and a little prayer seeps
Hoping her dad wakes after a very long sleep.

She looked to the sky, above floats the dark cloud
Strong wind blows as she puts on a shroud
Heavy rain drops making tiny rivers to the ground
As she leaves the place, where her Dad's memory surround.

Of Love, Family And Everyday Drama

Smile. That's the best way to show to the world that you are okay. It brightens the day, inspires people and makes the world go round. Indeed, it really makes the world go round, but have we ever looked straight into the eyes of the person smiling and see what's inside? Yes, the person's soul betraying his or her outward appearance.

Everyday, it seems that I am blessed because seldom can a friend or a colleague see me not smiling. I have to live my life each day as if nothing's wrong. That I don't have problems. Not too many people would care what you are facing through in life. Everyday people having matters of their own to attend to. Why would they care? But thanks to some who, out of their busy lives, took heart, stopped and tapped my shoulder, giving me courage to go on. That life is indeed beautiful. May God bless them more!

My Dad is a great Dad. I would never ask for somebody else to replace him. Each day, I'm enduring the pain of his agony because of his illness. It seems that the medicine the doctor prescribes have no effect but kill him little by little. Everytime he complains that his back is aching or that his cough is robbing him of his time to sleep and rest makes me cry. But I shouldn't show it to them, otherwise, I would betray them of the courage they wanted to see from me. And in doing so, I'm becoming numbed. This reminds me of the story of a little boy who bought miracle as a medicine for his dying mom. Yes, that is what I exactly need. A miracle. That one day my dad would just woke up and feel renewed. No back pains, no coughs, nothing at all. I wanted to ease his pain but I can do nothing and this hurts me more. Being the head of the family is a privilege, but it is also a great responsibility. A responsibility I am willing to take but impairs me, for the things that I have done and is still doing cannot compensate to the needs my family has. Sometimes, I wish that there would be a genie that would come out of somewhere and grant my wishes. Other times, i would think and hope that I would die ahead of them. But all these are rubbish and would never help ease the present situation. The only hope that I have left is a little prayer that would touch the heart of God and grant the desires of my heart, one of it is the complete healing of my father. My family is my first priority and I am willing to sacrifice anything just so my family would be complete and happy. I do not desire much of materials things, but what is important is that we are together safe and sound.

This carousel of events in my life weakens me but I have to be strong. It crushes my spirit, but I have to resist and persevere. For them. Painful, but I have to take heart. Otherwise, I would break the very fortress that keeps this family stand and survive the test of time.

Smile. Ahh.. yes! I have to smile. Nobody should know what I really feel inside. Or else, I would break down into pieces and might not be able to defend the very foundation that this family is built.

Writing this down eases my pain away. At least even for a little.

Lady In Red

She walks down the aisle
With her Kirsten Dunst smile
Shadowed dark brown eyes
A sure thing to admire.

You won't miss a thing or two
As you hear the sound of her stiletto
The way she chooses her shoes
Makes everybody stand in woe.

Putting on make up is her art
And poetry makes her smart
When she sings, she's a lark
She'll make you grope in the dark.

Let her speak, she's a melody
A sanguine in melancholy
In a crowd, she has to be
Daughter of freedom and ingenuity.

Defiance, she will lead
And everybody else bleed
A thing of beauty, a thing to dread
She'll always be the lady in red.



**for dear Jabez,
who have touch the hearts of many
who brings joy to all the weary
who ventured the stormy seas
and gave me love* when I need.

To The Streets And Past

Down to the streets, my steps are heavy
My head is aching, lots of things to worry
The sun is setting, I watched in weary
Another day is gone and it was heavy.

As I walk down the street, I see two people
Neither can I say that they are a couple
But they remind me much of the moment after
When my love and I are walking down together.

Down to the streets, now walking alone
Wondering, can I have another moment of my own?
Perhaps a glance, another time to dance
In this ballroom of life where I can take my chance.

Down to the streets, jeeps passing by
Pulling me to reality, to where am I
This symphony of memories, a sweet lullaby
Should go with whiskey so I won't cry.

Cebu

At 6 o'clock, the city is aglow
Over the horizon, the moon shines low
City burst to life and light
Mountain ranges lies silhouette behind.

In the morning, the sun rises high
Feather of clouds under the big blue sky
Sea waves foaming its way to the shore
Of bravery and beauty, tells a lore.

Many faces here and there
Speaks of language so lovely and fair
People from all sorts and walks of life
Fill the streets in plains and stripes.

She offers love, so you won't fret
Come and play, not hard to get
Choose to leave and you'll regret
Why you have come, why you have met.

And so my heart, there it was left
She knows very well what I have felt
With one light on, alone in my room
I chase the memory of Cebu till noon.

Quiet Times

Ask me where I go tonight I go back to today last year.
Me and you had to make each other happier,
now there's hope with everything.

Its hard enough to feel the world as it is and hold on anything.
Without these quiet times you've brought round here.

I'm gonna have to run away,
I'm sure that I belong some other place.
I've seen another side of all I've seen
it keeps me wondering where my family is.

Its hard enough to see the world as it is, and hold on anything.
Without these quiet times coming round here.

Now I miss you...
Now I want you...
But I can't have you...
Even when your here...

Suppose I have to take you with me, broken mind I'd rather leave you here.
To forget everything you've seen and known erase every idea.

And you walk up in the street, and hold my hand and smile.
Well I won't be taken in, cus I know how it turns out.
And it takes me back to these quiet times coming round here.

Now I miss you...
Now I want you...
Your not coming back...
And I need you...
But I can't have you...
Even when your here...






*sung by Dido, from Safe Trip Home Album

The Unloved

night cries
rain falls
splitter splatter on the roof
flooding the earth
quenching its thirst
soothing the heart
that have once been a home
of long-kept emotions
of love and pain
of freedom and rejection
of fear and hope
of beauty and filth
as the rain ceases
drying up the heavens
leaving wet the grounds
so the heart dries
as it pours out the love
drowning into what's left of it
of the heart
of the unloved.

The Witching Hour

a bird chirps
as shadows leap
night is still
broken by a shrill

sky is dawning
moonlight is waning
wolves are howling
cold breeze is chilling

as sun ray is tearing
from the horizon appearing
a loud cry is heard
someone's missing from the herd

could it be that he was taken
by the moonlight's beautiful siren?
or to the cliff he had fallen
and died searching for his maiden?

Miracle Romance

Gomen ne sunao ja nakute
Yume no naka nara leru
Shikou kairo wa SHORT sunzen
Ima sugu aitai yo
Nakitaku naru you na moonlight
Denwa mo dekinai midnight
Datte junjuo doushiyou
Heart wa mangekyou
Tsuki no hikari ni michibikare
Nando mo meguri au
Seiza no matataki kazoe
Uranau koi no yukue
Onaji kuni ni umaretano
Miracle romance
Shinjite iruno.



*theme song

The MASTERPIECE

fun out of the daily routine many sleepless nights are spent coupled with sweets and caffeine we all can say "mission accomplished!"

LIVE, LAUGH and LOVE

"No matter how crazy and funny the scenes around you.... it is useless without the people you want to laugh with."

As They Lay Me

In sickness and in health,
will you be there to help?
In triumph and in pain,
will both of us gain?
In glory and in honor,
will there still be ardor?
In life and in death,
will you give your last breath?

Will in sickness we survive
or in health we will thrive?
Will triumph make us feel victorious
or pain will be more sumptuous?
Will glory be as the Romans
or as honorable as the Spartans?
Will ardor give us life
or just suffering and strife?
Will I still savour your breath
before they lay me to my bed of death?

Untitled

as cold as ice
as witty as the mice
you come to me at night
and leave me in broad daylight

mocha colored skin
makes me ponder in between
'coz it gives me a tingling feeling
that keeps me more wanting

eyes as jolly as the jester
keeps me floating in the ether
slowly hypnotizing
and to the floor I am falling

in your presence I fall down
your absence makes me frown
will there be a day to come
when sun shines 'coz we're one?

Artificial Bliss

It's been a while... and I am enjoying the days that I never had a thought of you... or maybe I'm just being dishonest to myself. My bestfriends came over last Saturday and we had so much fun together... we haven't met for months already and it's good to see them again. but behind those bright moments... I wished YOU were there too...

I never told anyone about you, except that I have expressed what I feel for you with my friends and I am afraid of their reactions, afraid that one day, they would wake me up from this dream. For this dream was never a dream at all. It was a nightmare!

I still love you... and will always love you.

Here With Me

I didn't hear you leave
I wonder how am I still here
And I don't want to move a thing
It might change my memory


Oh I am what I am
I do what I want
But I can't hide


And I won't go
I won't sleep
I can't breathe
Until you're resting here with me


And I won't leave
I can't hide
I cannot be
Until you're resting here with me


I don't want to call my friends
For they might wake me from this dream
And I can't leave this bed
Risk forgetting all that's been


*sung by DIDO.

Night Cry

night is cold
memories unfold
my tears fall
as shadows crawl
strength gone
loneliness began
twisting, turning
every nerve twitching
heart beats faster
brain suddenly shutters
missing you is sweeter
loving you is harder.

Midnight Cry

can't sleep
because of you
I cried
'coz I missed you
I write
to remember you
my works
are inspired by you
my songs
are thoughts of you
I breathe
to see you
I live
to love you.

White Flag

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be


*sung by DIDO. very nice song. KEEP the LOVE ALIVE!

I Love You, Goodbye

10:28PM. I have this feeling that you really care for me. That you also reciprocate what I feel. Then again, it is only MY feeling. That makes the BIG difference. I do believe that a person can move mountains because he/she loves the person so much... and that EVRYTHING is EFFORTLESS. That is what is missing.

Reading your messages makes me smile. Smile because I still remember the wonderful memories you have left me, and that's one thing I am THANKFUL for you. You made me feel like I'm the most important person in the world even just at that moment. I admit that I love you... so much... and I am sure of that... yet I have to move on...

A dear friend of mine asked on one of her blog entries, "How can somebody love and not bleed?" and my answer is it is impossible. Even an obsessed person bleeds just to have the dear one beside him/her. Otherwise, there is no love at all.

I thank you for that one moment of my life you made me feel special and I am sorry for the things I may have caused you. But one thing is for sure, you have a special place in my heart that will lovingly accept your coming back.

The heart probably has more patience than any other organ in our body. It has the patience to wait for that one person it knows worth beating for. It even has the patience to wait for something it knows may never even come. But like all things, its patience runs out. And our heart breaks because other people forget that like all things that feels pain, hurt and sadness, the heart gets tired too...

The heart sometimes speaks so much feelings to someone we thought was listening and it hurts so much to realize that the person you've spoken to never really dared to understand nor even tried to listen well.

As they say, people come and go. But the truth is, no one really disappears from your life. People never really leave, their roles just change. So as I close this chapter of my life, I thank you so much for making me feel loved even for a single moment. One thing is for sure, that moment made an impact in my life that I will always remember. The chapter that you have once been a part of. IF EVER you are reading my blog especially THIS portion, please note that I would gladly and lovingly welcome you back in my life for you will always be the person I will love and cherish... until nobody surpasses the love you have given me, you will always be the only one. Then again, I am still hoping that one day, when I open another pages in my life, there you are again... But for now, I have decided to finally close this...

It hurts to miss someone, who doesn't know how to miss you. It hurts to love someone who doesn't love you back and most of all, it hurts when you've learned to keep them when they're not even yours...

I hate forcing myself to let go of the one person that I need in my life, it's the only thing that makes sense but at the same time, it's the same thing that complicates me. I know that I am better of without you, yet I feel empty whenever I try to let go. But I guess that, emptiness is better than constant hurt, right?

So I guess I have to end this with hope that: "What's important isn't the memories, but to wish we'll see each other again..." (Queen Serenity, Black Dream Hole).

I love you sweetie... and goodbye.


*5th journal entry.

Oxygen (You Are)

You are the oxygen that keeps me breathing,
You are the blood that keeps me running.

You are the air that keeps me alive,
You are the water I want to dive.

You are the heart that keeps me beating,
You are the logic I'm always thinking.

You are the love that gives me healing,
You are the passion that keeps me burning.

You are the life that I am living,
And you are the one I will be dying.


*on sleepless nights

On Sleepless Nights

why is the night cold?
many is a day untold
why do tears fall?
for someone I adore.

Isn't it love a sweet feeling?
or this is just fleeting
memories of you I keep thinking
and each day I am dying.

words have been said and done
these things I have kept but none
and I love you for being calm
but please tell me I'm the one.

will there be end to this agony?
at least any chance to be merry
'coz with you I am so happy
without you I will be lonely.

*on sleepless nights

Long Night

10:43 PM. I decided not to communicate with you and I'm happy with the result... or I guess, quite happy. Today, I have spent the day without you affecting much of my daily routine except for some occasional glances at my phone. I cannot deny the fact that somehow you've left a void in my heart.


Tonight, I feel empty. Now alone, while everybody is asleep, I can't help but think of you. Wondering if you're okay, wanting to know how your day was, just thinking even the trivial and minute details as long as its about you. I can't sleep because I'm waiting for you to say goodnight at least. You would've sent me a message by this time... I guess this is what I get for trying to suppress my feelings towards you. But I have expressed it once already! Is it not enough? Truth is, I'm the one falling for you. This is a one-way street. I'm left hanging in the air. Yeah right, that's because of me assuming and expecting too much of what is real, of what is not. Its sad, so sad. Truth hurts and I have to accept it.

Can somebody just rip me off? Tore me apart! I wanna be numb... I wanna get wasted! Hah! Escaping reality again.

I just can't help ending a day without you...

Behind the hustle and bustle of life and the temporary happiness that's making me forget you, I still long to be with you. Pink is right, YOU'RE JUST LIKE A PILL, instead of getting me better, you're making me ill.

I still can't sleep. But I have to stop writing, otherwise it's gonna be a long night...

*4th journal entry.

Dark Angel

He was awakened by the rays of the sun that penetrated through the window burnig his skin. He forgot to tuck the curtain out of the window panes. He stepped out of his bed, checked the clock, it's 10:24 in the morning. He must have been asleep for nearly 8 hours. He went out of his room and fixed breakfast for himself. Everyday, he lives like a normal person, doing household chores, going to work, enjoy the party. Nobody knows what he feels inside. Nobody knows what he really is because knowing him would mean your last grasp of breath. He is a handsome young man. Full of vigor and vitality of life. Tall, lean and a well-defined face. Women longed to be with him... at least to have him. He releases a charisma that nobody can stun. Yet, this beauty is cursed. But he likes it. He can take as much as he wanted to without leaving any traces or seed of him at all. He can posses you without any resistance and thus he can easily cut the last thread of life that keeps you. Unless he decided to spare you. He is a beauty to be worshipped. Even men are drawn to him. But he also is a force to be reckoned with. A slight hint of repudiation will cost your life. Yet assent and he will give you treasures and pleasures of life. He is neither God nor the devil but he feared the first and shuns the second. At day, he is like an angel with wings as white as snow glistening under the bright rays of the sun. A friend and a guardian to all. He is a blessing. At night, his wings turn into velvety, jet-black feathers. Very majestic. A thing to behold. Threathening to the corrupt and the iniquitous for his presence means destruction. Neither of his side is weak, but the dark side is much stronger. This would be a long day for him. Eight hours of waiting before the reaping. He would enjoy his other side first. Anyway, he enjoys both sides of him. Schizophrenic...

*part 2 of the chronicles of dark angel

I Miss You

I miss your poker face
That teases me when I'm lonely
I miss the way you smile
That brings sunshine to my eyes

I miss the way you hold me
And the way you gently kiss me
I miss the way you stare at me
And it's making me crazy

I miss the way you crinkle my nose
And the way I play with your toes
I miss everything about you
And I just can't help but miss you.


*in moments of solitude

Gothic

Enslaved by passion
Despised by reason
Emotions unwitting
Slowly succumbing

A tear fall
A sudden troll
Mind blurry
This thing is crazy

Room is cold
With nobody to hold
Songs doesn't matter
When we are shattered

Night is creepy
Its silence is eerie
Days are bland
Without your hand

Seclusion is healing
But this time it's weakening
Is there an end to this battle?
Or it's just another shuffle?


*in moments of solitude

Rise of the Dark Angel

The room is dim, with no lights to brighten except the rays of the moon beaming its way through the window that is ajar. Wind tossing the curtains. The shadow of the leaves play as the wind blows making silhouette figures dancing to no tune. Across the room, crouched in the furthermost corner a soul sobs. Abandoned. Innocence shattered by another souls with no kindness except to fulfill its selfish desires. Taking the very best out of its victim. Clothes tattered, crimson stains the area where it was splattered. Everything in disarray. The soul's tears dies down into sobs then into silence. Slowly he stands, staring blankly into nothingness, eyes focused on one thing as if he is engrossed by it. Determined. Face emotionless. He started moving towards the window. He used every energy and courage that is left of him. As he draws closer to the open, sudden chills encompassed him as the cold breeze enters the room. Slowly he pushed the window panes outside, tuck the curtain in in one of the windows, welcoming the sweet aroma of the night. Ahhhh refreshing... cleansing every stain and mark that have been engraved. He opened his eyes, saw the big bright moon just directly over him. The moon's light is not fierce, unlike the burning sun... instead it's so calm... serene... invigorating. He stretched his arms wide enough as if accepting all that is in space... drawing its energy into his own. Life-giving. He was energized. Back into fullness again. Stigmas rubbed out of him. Satisfying. Except for the stains that are seen. He closed the window. After regaining strength he still need to clean himself up. He went into the shower, turned the knob and the water splashed its way down washing away the tinge that the other soul left him. Refreshing. The water strips off all the ugliness and guilt that he felt. When he was done, he warmed himself up with a towel. Went back into his room and arranged the things misplaced by what had just happened. When he was done, the room is perfect. Neat and tidy. He turned the lights on and the room came into life. Every color reflected gives vigor to the room that has once been a witness to the cruelty of the human's darkest soul. The day is long. He lay himself down drowsing himself off to the sound made in the night. Sweet. Slowly his eyes closed... his mind wandered into the ethereal. Tomorrow is another day. For now, just rest. Rest for the wicked soul reborn out of strife and the frailties of the human emotions. The game has started and tomorrow, the debts will be collected, life taken will be regained by the death of another soul. Tomorrow is the day of reckoning. The day of vengeance for the sinful and the wicked and reward for the faithful...

*part 1 of the chronicles of the dark angel.

Quantum of Solace

I have come to a point
that I fear the most
I'm drawing back to
my place of solitude
eyes staring blankly
motionless.

mind is not working
slowly degenerating
like a machine out of tune
battery consumed
energy lost
useless.

shunning away reality
welcoming illusions
feeding the mind
like a snake recoiling
hibernating.

redeeming the energy
that is left of me
no care for the world
focusing on the ethereal
drawing it's energy
life-giving.

I have learned its structure
drinking it's life
savouring its vitality
like a child in the womb
fragile.

I see myself at the center
calmly floating in the ether
eyes closed... naked
dark place shined
by the waning moon
serenity.

now I am safe
and I'm staying in this place
'til I have acquired
energy I have lost
waiting.

Ice Cream

Your love is better than ice cream
Better than anything else that I’ve tried
And your love is better than ice cream
Everyone here know how to fight

And it’s a long way down
It’s a long way down
It’s a long way down to the place
Where we started from

Your love is better than chocolate
Better than anything else that I’ve tried
Oh love is better than chocolate
Everyone here knows how to cry

It’s a long way down
It’s a long way down
It’s a long way down to the place
Where we started from...

*sung by Sarah MacLachlan

Sweet Surrender

It doesn’t mean much
It doesn’t mean anything at all
The life I’ve left behind me
Is a cold room
I’ve crossed the last line
From where I can’t return
Where every step I took in faith
Betrayed me
And led me from my home
And sweet
Sweet surrender
Is all that I have to give
You take me in
No questions asked
You strip away the ugliness
That surrounds me
Are you an angel
Am I already that gone
I only hope
That I won’t disappoint you
When I’m down here
On my knees
And sweet
Sweet
Sweet surrender
Is all that I have to give
Sweet
Sweet
Sweet surrender
Is all that I have to give
And I don’t understand
By the touch of your hand
I would be the one to fall
I miss the little things
I miss everything (about you)
It doesn’t mean much
It doesn’t mean anything at all
The life I left behind me
Is a cold room
And sweet
Sweet
Sweet surrender
Is all that I have to give

*sung by Sarah MacLachlan

Numb

12:20 AM. Tonight I am numbed. No feelings. No raging emotions. Nothing at all. I like it. Thoughts of you passes by but it doesn't affect me much now. Perhaps, this is the effect of the beer I drank. Sedative. But I should be depressed, supposedly. Instead, I'm numbed... and it's good.

Earlier I was thinking of you and the feeling is good. Then again, that would only be a feeling. No more, no less.

I sent you a poem written by a friend of mine as it struck me much. I hope you have received it. I know you did. Anyway, I am sleepy now. Tired and sleepy. So I will lay myself to sleep. I have nothing to write anymore...

Goodnight sweetie... goodnight.



*3rd journal entry. no revision.

Elemental

you're like a fire
strong and fierce
mighty and intense
passionate and powerful

i'm like the oxygen
subtle and free
mysterious and calm
life-giving and sustaining

when fire and oxygen collide
be awed for their force and might
for they can inspire inventions
and cast total destruction

as fire consumes
oxygen sustains
fire destroys
oxygen replenish.

In Moments of Oblivion

you are my passion, you are my love
a gift from God above
my compass and my direction
my inspiration to every intentions.

you are covert, i am dreamy
but our combination is not dreary
you are fixed and i'm mutable
but our union is compatible.

we are opposites but we connect
a strong bond we have inject
and together we will harbor
our intimacy and our ardor.

630

woke up on the right side of the bed
with a picture of you in my head
hoping in my heart and in my mind
that you'll forever be mine...

Mayhem of Passion

9:20 PM. My day is not long yet I feel exhausted. I don't know what I'm feeling. I'm neither happy nor sad. It's better to be high or low than to be in between because at least you'll know how to deal with your emotions.

I expressed what I feel for I cannot contain my feelings anymore... and it was a release for me. But then, I should prepare myself for things unexpected. The result of initiating... making the move. And it's hard. I wish I know how you think or feel, at least, somehow I can readily accept things before you can even tell me. On the second thought, I would be deprived of the surprises in life if that is the case.

I am down because I haven't heard from the person I adore most. Who am I anyway to demand something out of you? I have to settle for the fact that the thing between us is nothing more than a game. Nothing more. You can be a good friend, but I wanted more, and you cannot give it back to me. What should I expect from what you've said, "Please, don't expect anything." In my case, I'd say that to somebody whom I'm not interested to. Wanting nothing more than friendship. But I still hope that it's not the same case with you. However, no matter how I think of reasons to justify the situation, it still boils down to the very same logic, or worse, this was and is really just a game. Painful. Very painful. And I can't blame you. In the first place, the fault is with me. Within me.

I have expressed my emotions, my feelings. There's nothing wrong with that right? At least, I took the chance and the answer is a BIG no. Or maybe I'm just thinking about it and demanding too much from you. Either way, I have to move on. This is not healthy for me because little by little I am drawing back to my own little space of refuge... a place of isolation to draw back my strength again.

I have to make a decision. I should stop right now. Let everything flow on its own. I have to control... no, not just control but bring to an end this raging emotions. Right now.

I should stop communing, thinking, feeling and everything. Go back to my basic routine with nobody to bother or distract my drift. Back to normal.

But that doesn't mean I will forget you. In my heart, you will always be cherished. Forgiven but not forgotten.


* 2nd journal entry. original text slightly revised.

Lamentations

It's 8:45 PM and I can't sleep. I need to release my emotions, otherwise I would explode... I'm falling... falling into you and just the thought of it kills me. I'm fighting these emotions, telling myself that this can't be possible. It's a one way thing, better let go of it early than suffer the consequences of assuming that the love I feel will be reciprocated.

Is this really love, or just infatuation? Fondness for a person that took my heart. God, help me! I wish I haven't felt this. I wish this will be over soon. I'm suffering from paranoia... I'm confused. My heart says it is love but my mind tells me not to give in to what I'm feeling. Emotions can fool you. My mind is right, but logic is weaker than what I feel... and it's making me crazy.

With you I feel loved, adored, cared. Nothing matters than being with you. Aerosmith is right... "I could stay awake just to hear you breathing..." I can't stop but stare at you. Memorizing the contours of your face, the flicker of your eyes, the shape of your brows, the whiteness of your teeth, the texture of your primrose lips and the sweet aroma of your breath...

Everything is about you. My world revolves around you lately. I would picture your face in my mind not realizing I have stared into nothingness for quite a long time. From time to time I would glance at my phone hoping to have received a message from you. A simple "hi", "hello" or "kamusta ka na?" can lift me up to a thousand heights already, otherwise it can plunge me into the abyss and take my very own sanity. Yet the hope that you are feeling the same way is still alive. But my mind would always tell me that it's not healthy anymore. It is not right, and i know it... but why can't I extract you out of my system? Like cancer cells increasing in population, overpowering the normal healthy ones. My self meter reaching both extremities. The highest and the lowest points. Intense. Very intense. And I'm clinging into what keeps me sane. Writing it down is one of them. This pulls me back to reality... only for few periods... but this is better than nothing to hold on to at all.

Was there love? Or just lust? But I felt your fondness. The feeling is mutual. I guess, only for that moment... and I'm getting crazy trying to hold on to it. I remember you asked me why am I staring at you and I replied singing "I could stay awake just to hear you breathing", and we end up singing the song, laughing in between notes. When we bid goodbye to each other, you left me with a kiss. No, not just a kiss... many kisses, for if only we should not depart. But then we have to. I will always remember this moment. Always.

Was it love? If so, why does it take you so long to reply to my messages? Or am I just insatiable? But when you do, why so short? NO. You are always like that. I think I'm paranoid. I often come to a point of crying, but I can't. Reason tells me not to. For what? But crying would be the best remedy. If only I could. Yes, I could. Can somebody take me out of this? Help me... please...

They say love is the most beautiful thing... but why is it not the same with me? Is this not love then? I guess not... But I so wanted to keep you... so much... then again, that would be selfish of me... :-(

Can I keep you? Please...



* first journal entry... i decided to record every moment of my life and this is the beginning...

schizophrenia

bliss
pleasure
heaven
paradise
misery.

reason
stability
lucidity
rationality
insanity.

fear
distress
apprehension
trepidation
panic
assurance.

love
ardor
devotion
passion
hatred.

alone
forlorn
solitary
deserted
me.

In Moments of Weakness

i have written a lot of composition tonight
senseless they maybe
it frees me from the downpour of emotions
but why don't i feel it?

Untitled

Listening to Sarah MacLachlan's songs feeble me. I have listened to her songs many times but this moment her words are so strong piercing my heart knowing that the messages of her songs are real... Being alone to some is a weakness, but for me it is my strength. In stillness I become alive again. In her music I become stronger. But with the fusion of the two I felt weaker, yet after the music have played, after the momentary solitude, I am renewed.

We would love to give in to a sweet surrender to someone we really love the most, and we cannot help but realize that the person's love is indeed better than ice cream. Yet the more we get to know the person the deeper the mystery builds. We come to a point in our life that we fear the person's departure and hoping for grace to be fuller than ever. Otherwise we succumb to a situation that we become helpless and believe that we have failed. Hoping for an angel to come rescue us form the dire situation. Searching for reasons to every questions. And somehow, with hope still that an ordinary miracle can happen. Yet the possibility that the person will remember us is minute. The worst, we will always remember that person we have fallen for but left a vacuum in our heart. And somehow goodbye is the best solution for both...

Some People

some people come
some people go
some people stay
and i wish you will

some people slay
some people bar
and some are incessant
but i wish you are none

you would come i knew
and you have stayed
but leaving is an option
to plump for never would i

but then again
if that option you'd choose
freedom
i would gladly give

for better it is to see
others happy with you
than in my arms
in complete writhe

but still i wish
for you to stay...


*there are times when people would come to give us life only to leave us soon with a hollow inside

316

alone in the park
eagerly i await
for the hour to come
when you and i meet

seconds pass
minutes into hours
mindless i am
for you are here at last

your presence
weakens me
your absence
kills me

now alone in my room
tired and helpless
roused suddenly
by a song i used to listen

then i realized
remember you i will
but
will you remember me?


*en memoriam 316

El Saga Del Oscuro Angel

Bienvenidos. Esta la oscuridad de mi...Aqui es parte de mi vida donde libremente ensañar el lado vida oscuridad...Mi pasion, mi deseo, mi las artes y mi vida... Mi mucho falta hacer muchos cosas, pero mi imagino resolver con disponible que. Muchos personas estar soprendido que son veo aqui. Algunas posible decir mi ese anormal acosa de veo pero mi creer este mi vida y mi gusta parte para muchos personas entender...

P.S. te pido perdon por una equivocacion... gracias!

Momentary Bliss

"Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaketh", as the Bible says. My heart is full of mixed emotions which I cannot contain. I wanted to write it down and record everything... but I can't. Lot's of ideas come into my mind yet it would take minutes before I can put it into words. For one thing, I am very happy... not just happy, ECSTATIC! I have experienced the Third Law of Motion where you give and your giving is reciprocated, you care and being cared in return, you love and felt loved at the same time. I am very much inspired that if I could only write a poetry out of these emotions I feel, I could have written an epic. It's totally cloud nine, every piece of me is electrified, recharged. It's a life-saving energy, inspiring you to keep on going and believe that life indeed is beautiful... my words are not enough to portray sensation I am yoked with... I wish it will last forever as numbers expand infinitely in both directions. I wish I could hold on to it... like capillary tubes holding the fluid inside... forever. Aaarrrggggghhhh... I wish there is a way I could get rid of this passion for abiding it would mean foolishness... Ahhhh... I wish I could understand the secret power of the heart for even the powerful mind can be defeated by it... so much easily...

Then again these emotions that encompasses me is like Pandora's box... only the opposite. Instead of the tiny hope at its nethermost, it's fear. Fear of the aftermath of this storming emotions inside me. Fear about the absolute truth in Limits... the graph gets closer and closer to the asymptote but it will never touch. You can get saturated but sooner you get spoiled.

This means a chance... yet I'm holding back... for the heart is also deceitful. And these emotions are just momentary bliss... but then I hope... not.

*** lemma radiesthesia

Mickey

She was a small ball of life seeking refuge inside my shoes. It was the only place where she could hide to protect herself against the harsh world. A small, delicate and beautiful fighter. Finally, she was transferred to a place where she alone can rule. A place where she is the center of everything, the Queen. Day by day, she grew more beautiful, showing the vitality of life anyone of her kind would have at that age… she may not be as beautiful as the others but for me, she is fairest of them all.

Our friendship developed as we get to know each other day by day. A friendship beyond compare. I have never seen her unhappy, despite of my incapability to supply everything she wanted. Instead I would be welcomed by her every time I arrived home as if I was away for a long time. I sometimes put my hand on her every time she misbehaves but she would kiss my feet as if trying to say sorry in return. I would deprive her of her food but she would patiently wait for the time you would give her share of the meal. She would always stand up and recognize you as you go out for school, her way of saying goodbye and take care! She is always very excited every time we go out together and enjoy the cool breeze at night. I would scold her for soiling my uniform when she welcomes me home with a big hug, but I love her more for that. She would jump for joy when I have something special for her and in return I get much kisses. I would watch her play with the insects and the plants and the grass with fascination enjoying the thought that they also have their own way of being childish. And perhaps, the greatest of all would be the fact that she would always listen to me whenever I have problems which I cannot share to anybody. She may not offer something more physical except for being there by your side but the comfort that she brings plus the assurance that she gives is already a miracle. Comfort over pains and sufferings, healing of a broken heart, presence in moments of loneliness, all these is a miracle that can happen just by being with her.

I was and am still hurting for we have to part ways. A decision both of us would not want but we have to do. She may not say anything but by the look of her eyes you can see the sadness and the pain of her being separated me, from us. A moment that is so hard for both of us for by looking at her I would breakdown knowing that there is nothing I could do to keep us together. Times when I would visit her and she would be so happy but only for a while knowing that I would leave her again soon. The feeling is so painful knowing that both of you wanted to be with each other again but you just simply can’t. These has been our situation for several weeks, giving her assurance with each visit that I would always be there for her and that one day I would pick her up and we could go home together. Then I came home one night and was shocked with the news: “She is gone!” I was numbed and don’t know what to do or to think. I went to the bathroom and right there and then I broke into tears. Tears for my beloved bestfriend.

And everything just came flooding into my mind:

We would never have a time to stroll at night and smell the cool breeze.

I cannot put my hand on her again and feel her kisses in return.

I will not have someone who would bid me goodbye when I go to school.

I will not have someone who would gladly welcome me when I arrived home.

I will not have someone whom I can talk to again when I’m down.

I will not have someone who would just sit beside me.

I cannot say to her again that “One day we will go home.”

I will not see her again, not just for weeks, but for eternity. And I’m missing her so much…

A Tribute to my beloved dog and bestfriend who will always be in my heart, “Mickey”. June 2004 – September 6, 2008

By Mike 12:30 AM September 7, 2008

Paradox

I want to create something new... something different... defy forces... force my self to the limit, but I am drained... like all my resources are sucked out of me. I feel like I'm a vacuum where a body or object can freely fall without any resistance at all... my spirit is willing but my body is weak. A time where you just want to lay back, feel the cool breeze, watch the sun sets and listen to the music made by the waves foaming its way to the shore.

Somehow... amidst these atrocities that baffle humanity is an energy that gives fire to every passion of a human soul. A small ball of fire that differs from one person to another, the fire that rekindles and replenishes us to keep us going... and I'm trying to find mine... standing in a long winding crossroads that leads to nowhere is tiring... killing the fire within little by little. Consuming the only hope that is left of me...

I have done great things and accomplished a lot, I believe. But still there is this space in me... a small space that takes the oxygen out of me... and I'm finding ways to fix it.... but somehow nothing fits...

The Rain Ceases

Since the rain ceases

not to cleanse the earth,

I shall admit myself to it,

allowing it to expunge

every drop of blood

that has made a home in my chest…

– angelo

Sometimes the best way to deal with things is to give in to what life has to offer hoping that it would ease the pain and the memory of what has been… as the rain ceases we are refreshed, giving us hope to start anew. We eagerly await for the bright rays of sun, with it a promise of hope and strength to face an upcoming bigger storm.

Often, we don’t understand why such things happen to us… and we try with all our might to counteract the forces behind it, only to fail… and giving into the situation sometimes is the easier way… like a boat under a storm, we are tossed to all sides… the harder we try to control the sail… the painful we fall… when our strength is drained… we let our human mechanism overcome us… putting us into rest… and as we sleep, we let the storm direct our way… and in the end, we wake up on a bright unfamilair shore gleaming with promises, opportunities and new and more exciting adventures. We realize that sometimes we don’t understand why such things happen to us… but ultimately everything happens with a purpose… an intricate plan with a promise of great rewards which in the end we, ourselves reaps.

Like a flower… we sprout, bloom and crushed, yet we release fragrance of forgiveness, healing and hope and a seed for a new beginning…

Rain

The night sky is young,

yet the heavens are crying

with rain pouring down,

washing the earth clean,

yet my chest remained stained

with blood from a broken heart

that once took shelter

in the arms that felt so warm and safe…

– angelo

Life indeed can make us and break us… there are things that we cannot control no matter how hard we try… in the end we just find ourselves losers in this game of life… or maybe we are just thinking about it. Is it really life that makes us losers or us? We really do not know… This is part of an intricate yet creatively done design of our life. There are times when we rejoice on the triumph and the desires that have been achieved, but the glory that these victories can bring us fades away soon before we totally grasp it, because behind all this limelight lies a soul longing to be loved. Yet, all things in this world fades… we are actors watched by an audience of One. One thing is for sure though, these things become part of our whole being… making us the person that we are today… everyday is a struggle, everyday is a new opportunity and adventure… everyday is a new beginning. A new start to an already broken heart. Each day our hearts are being shattered by one and made whole again by another… but we still fall back to one person that made a difference in our life and left us with a missing piece that somehow can never make our heart whole again…