Mayhem of Passion

9:20 PM. My day is not long yet I feel exhausted. I don't know what I'm feeling. I'm neither happy nor sad. It's better to be high or low than to be in between because at least you'll know how to deal with your emotions.

I expressed what I feel for I cannot contain my feelings anymore... and it was a release for me. But then, I should prepare myself for things unexpected. The result of initiating... making the move. And it's hard. I wish I know how you think or feel, at least, somehow I can readily accept things before you can even tell me. On the second thought, I would be deprived of the surprises in life if that is the case.

I am down because I haven't heard from the person I adore most. Who am I anyway to demand something out of you? I have to settle for the fact that the thing between us is nothing more than a game. Nothing more. You can be a good friend, but I wanted more, and you cannot give it back to me. What should I expect from what you've said, "Please, don't expect anything." In my case, I'd say that to somebody whom I'm not interested to. Wanting nothing more than friendship. But I still hope that it's not the same case with you. However, no matter how I think of reasons to justify the situation, it still boils down to the very same logic, or worse, this was and is really just a game. Painful. Very painful. And I can't blame you. In the first place, the fault is with me. Within me.

I have expressed my emotions, my feelings. There's nothing wrong with that right? At least, I took the chance and the answer is a BIG no. Or maybe I'm just thinking about it and demanding too much from you. Either way, I have to move on. This is not healthy for me because little by little I am drawing back to my own little space of refuge... a place of isolation to draw back my strength again.

I have to make a decision. I should stop right now. Let everything flow on its own. I have to control... no, not just control but bring to an end this raging emotions. Right now.

I should stop communing, thinking, feeling and everything. Go back to my basic routine with nobody to bother or distract my drift. Back to normal.

But that doesn't mean I will forget you. In my heart, you will always be cherished. Forgiven but not forgotten.


* 2nd journal entry. original text slightly revised.