Lamentations

It's 8:45 PM and I can't sleep. I need to release my emotions, otherwise I would explode... I'm falling... falling into you and just the thought of it kills me. I'm fighting these emotions, telling myself that this can't be possible. It's a one way thing, better let go of it early than suffer the consequences of assuming that the love I feel will be reciprocated.

Is this really love, or just infatuation? Fondness for a person that took my heart. God, help me! I wish I haven't felt this. I wish this will be over soon. I'm suffering from paranoia... I'm confused. My heart says it is love but my mind tells me not to give in to what I'm feeling. Emotions can fool you. My mind is right, but logic is weaker than what I feel... and it's making me crazy.

With you I feel loved, adored, cared. Nothing matters than being with you. Aerosmith is right... "I could stay awake just to hear you breathing..." I can't stop but stare at you. Memorizing the contours of your face, the flicker of your eyes, the shape of your brows, the whiteness of your teeth, the texture of your primrose lips and the sweet aroma of your breath...

Everything is about you. My world revolves around you lately. I would picture your face in my mind not realizing I have stared into nothingness for quite a long time. From time to time I would glance at my phone hoping to have received a message from you. A simple "hi", "hello" or "kamusta ka na?" can lift me up to a thousand heights already, otherwise it can plunge me into the abyss and take my very own sanity. Yet the hope that you are feeling the same way is still alive. But my mind would always tell me that it's not healthy anymore. It is not right, and i know it... but why can't I extract you out of my system? Like cancer cells increasing in population, overpowering the normal healthy ones. My self meter reaching both extremities. The highest and the lowest points. Intense. Very intense. And I'm clinging into what keeps me sane. Writing it down is one of them. This pulls me back to reality... only for few periods... but this is better than nothing to hold on to at all.

Was there love? Or just lust? But I felt your fondness. The feeling is mutual. I guess, only for that moment... and I'm getting crazy trying to hold on to it. I remember you asked me why am I staring at you and I replied singing "I could stay awake just to hear you breathing", and we end up singing the song, laughing in between notes. When we bid goodbye to each other, you left me with a kiss. No, not just a kiss... many kisses, for if only we should not depart. But then we have to. I will always remember this moment. Always.

Was it love? If so, why does it take you so long to reply to my messages? Or am I just insatiable? But when you do, why so short? NO. You are always like that. I think I'm paranoid. I often come to a point of crying, but I can't. Reason tells me not to. For what? But crying would be the best remedy. If only I could. Yes, I could. Can somebody take me out of this? Help me... please...

They say love is the most beautiful thing... but why is it not the same with me? Is this not love then? I guess not... But I so wanted to keep you... so much... then again, that would be selfish of me... :-(

Can I keep you? Please...



* first journal entry... i decided to record every moment of my life and this is the beginning...