Here With Me

I didn't hear you leave
I wonder how am I still here
And I don't want to move a thing
It might change my memory


Oh I am what I am
I do what I want
But I can't hide


And I won't go
I won't sleep
I can't breathe
Until you're resting here with me


And I won't leave
I can't hide
I cannot be
Until you're resting here with me


I don't want to call my friends
For they might wake me from this dream
And I can't leave this bed
Risk forgetting all that's been


*sung by DIDO.

Night Cry

night is cold
memories unfold
my tears fall
as shadows crawl
strength gone
loneliness began
twisting, turning
every nerve twitching
heart beats faster
brain suddenly shutters
missing you is sweeter
loving you is harder.

Midnight Cry

can't sleep
because of you
I cried
'coz I missed you
I write
to remember you
my works
are inspired by you
my songs
are thoughts of you
I breathe
to see you
I live
to love you.

White Flag

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be


*sung by DIDO. very nice song. KEEP the LOVE ALIVE!

I Love You, Goodbye

10:28PM. I have this feeling that you really care for me. That you also reciprocate what I feel. Then again, it is only MY feeling. That makes the BIG difference. I do believe that a person can move mountains because he/she loves the person so much... and that EVRYTHING is EFFORTLESS. That is what is missing.

Reading your messages makes me smile. Smile because I still remember the wonderful memories you have left me, and that's one thing I am THANKFUL for you. You made me feel like I'm the most important person in the world even just at that moment. I admit that I love you... so much... and I am sure of that... yet I have to move on...

A dear friend of mine asked on one of her blog entries, "How can somebody love and not bleed?" and my answer is it is impossible. Even an obsessed person bleeds just to have the dear one beside him/her. Otherwise, there is no love at all.

I thank you for that one moment of my life you made me feel special and I am sorry for the things I may have caused you. But one thing is for sure, you have a special place in my heart that will lovingly accept your coming back.

The heart probably has more patience than any other organ in our body. It has the patience to wait for that one person it knows worth beating for. It even has the patience to wait for something it knows may never even come. But like all things, its patience runs out. And our heart breaks because other people forget that like all things that feels pain, hurt and sadness, the heart gets tired too...

The heart sometimes speaks so much feelings to someone we thought was listening and it hurts so much to realize that the person you've spoken to never really dared to understand nor even tried to listen well.

As they say, people come and go. But the truth is, no one really disappears from your life. People never really leave, their roles just change. So as I close this chapter of my life, I thank you so much for making me feel loved even for a single moment. One thing is for sure, that moment made an impact in my life that I will always remember. The chapter that you have once been a part of. IF EVER you are reading my blog especially THIS portion, please note that I would gladly and lovingly welcome you back in my life for you will always be the person I will love and cherish... until nobody surpasses the love you have given me, you will always be the only one. Then again, I am still hoping that one day, when I open another pages in my life, there you are again... But for now, I have decided to finally close this...

It hurts to miss someone, who doesn't know how to miss you. It hurts to love someone who doesn't love you back and most of all, it hurts when you've learned to keep them when they're not even yours...

I hate forcing myself to let go of the one person that I need in my life, it's the only thing that makes sense but at the same time, it's the same thing that complicates me. I know that I am better of without you, yet I feel empty whenever I try to let go. But I guess that, emptiness is better than constant hurt, right?

So I guess I have to end this with hope that: "What's important isn't the memories, but to wish we'll see each other again..." (Queen Serenity, Black Dream Hole).

I love you sweetie... and goodbye.


*5th journal entry.

Oxygen (You Are)

You are the oxygen that keeps me breathing,
You are the blood that keeps me running.

You are the air that keeps me alive,
You are the water I want to dive.

You are the heart that keeps me beating,
You are the logic I'm always thinking.

You are the love that gives me healing,
You are the passion that keeps me burning.

You are the life that I am living,
And you are the one I will be dying.


*on sleepless nights

On Sleepless Nights

why is the night cold?
many is a day untold
why do tears fall?
for someone I adore.

Isn't it love a sweet feeling?
or this is just fleeting
memories of you I keep thinking
and each day I am dying.

words have been said and done
these things I have kept but none
and I love you for being calm
but please tell me I'm the one.

will there be end to this agony?
at least any chance to be merry
'coz with you I am so happy
without you I will be lonely.

*on sleepless nights

Long Night

10:43 PM. I decided not to communicate with you and I'm happy with the result... or I guess, quite happy. Today, I have spent the day without you affecting much of my daily routine except for some occasional glances at my phone. I cannot deny the fact that somehow you've left a void in my heart.


Tonight, I feel empty. Now alone, while everybody is asleep, I can't help but think of you. Wondering if you're okay, wanting to know how your day was, just thinking even the trivial and minute details as long as its about you. I can't sleep because I'm waiting for you to say goodnight at least. You would've sent me a message by this time... I guess this is what I get for trying to suppress my feelings towards you. But I have expressed it once already! Is it not enough? Truth is, I'm the one falling for you. This is a one-way street. I'm left hanging in the air. Yeah right, that's because of me assuming and expecting too much of what is real, of what is not. Its sad, so sad. Truth hurts and I have to accept it.

Can somebody just rip me off? Tore me apart! I wanna be numb... I wanna get wasted! Hah! Escaping reality again.

I just can't help ending a day without you...

Behind the hustle and bustle of life and the temporary happiness that's making me forget you, I still long to be with you. Pink is right, YOU'RE JUST LIKE A PILL, instead of getting me better, you're making me ill.

I still can't sleep. But I have to stop writing, otherwise it's gonna be a long night...

*4th journal entry.

Dark Angel

He was awakened by the rays of the sun that penetrated through the window burnig his skin. He forgot to tuck the curtain out of the window panes. He stepped out of his bed, checked the clock, it's 10:24 in the morning. He must have been asleep for nearly 8 hours. He went out of his room and fixed breakfast for himself. Everyday, he lives like a normal person, doing household chores, going to work, enjoy the party. Nobody knows what he feels inside. Nobody knows what he really is because knowing him would mean your last grasp of breath. He is a handsome young man. Full of vigor and vitality of life. Tall, lean and a well-defined face. Women longed to be with him... at least to have him. He releases a charisma that nobody can stun. Yet, this beauty is cursed. But he likes it. He can take as much as he wanted to without leaving any traces or seed of him at all. He can posses you without any resistance and thus he can easily cut the last thread of life that keeps you. Unless he decided to spare you. He is a beauty to be worshipped. Even men are drawn to him. But he also is a force to be reckoned with. A slight hint of repudiation will cost your life. Yet assent and he will give you treasures and pleasures of life. He is neither God nor the devil but he feared the first and shuns the second. At day, he is like an angel with wings as white as snow glistening under the bright rays of the sun. A friend and a guardian to all. He is a blessing. At night, his wings turn into velvety, jet-black feathers. Very majestic. A thing to behold. Threathening to the corrupt and the iniquitous for his presence means destruction. Neither of his side is weak, but the dark side is much stronger. This would be a long day for him. Eight hours of waiting before the reaping. He would enjoy his other side first. Anyway, he enjoys both sides of him. Schizophrenic...

*part 2 of the chronicles of dark angel

I Miss You

I miss your poker face
That teases me when I'm lonely
I miss the way you smile
That brings sunshine to my eyes

I miss the way you hold me
And the way you gently kiss me
I miss the way you stare at me
And it's making me crazy

I miss the way you crinkle my nose
And the way I play with your toes
I miss everything about you
And I just can't help but miss you.


*in moments of solitude

Gothic

Enslaved by passion
Despised by reason
Emotions unwitting
Slowly succumbing

A tear fall
A sudden troll
Mind blurry
This thing is crazy

Room is cold
With nobody to hold
Songs doesn't matter
When we are shattered

Night is creepy
Its silence is eerie
Days are bland
Without your hand

Seclusion is healing
But this time it's weakening
Is there an end to this battle?
Or it's just another shuffle?


*in moments of solitude

Rise of the Dark Angel

The room is dim, with no lights to brighten except the rays of the moon beaming its way through the window that is ajar. Wind tossing the curtains. The shadow of the leaves play as the wind blows making silhouette figures dancing to no tune. Across the room, crouched in the furthermost corner a soul sobs. Abandoned. Innocence shattered by another souls with no kindness except to fulfill its selfish desires. Taking the very best out of its victim. Clothes tattered, crimson stains the area where it was splattered. Everything in disarray. The soul's tears dies down into sobs then into silence. Slowly he stands, staring blankly into nothingness, eyes focused on one thing as if he is engrossed by it. Determined. Face emotionless. He started moving towards the window. He used every energy and courage that is left of him. As he draws closer to the open, sudden chills encompassed him as the cold breeze enters the room. Slowly he pushed the window panes outside, tuck the curtain in in one of the windows, welcoming the sweet aroma of the night. Ahhhh refreshing... cleansing every stain and mark that have been engraved. He opened his eyes, saw the big bright moon just directly over him. The moon's light is not fierce, unlike the burning sun... instead it's so calm... serene... invigorating. He stretched his arms wide enough as if accepting all that is in space... drawing its energy into his own. Life-giving. He was energized. Back into fullness again. Stigmas rubbed out of him. Satisfying. Except for the stains that are seen. He closed the window. After regaining strength he still need to clean himself up. He went into the shower, turned the knob and the water splashed its way down washing away the tinge that the other soul left him. Refreshing. The water strips off all the ugliness and guilt that he felt. When he was done, he warmed himself up with a towel. Went back into his room and arranged the things misplaced by what had just happened. When he was done, the room is perfect. Neat and tidy. He turned the lights on and the room came into life. Every color reflected gives vigor to the room that has once been a witness to the cruelty of the human's darkest soul. The day is long. He lay himself down drowsing himself off to the sound made in the night. Sweet. Slowly his eyes closed... his mind wandered into the ethereal. Tomorrow is another day. For now, just rest. Rest for the wicked soul reborn out of strife and the frailties of the human emotions. The game has started and tomorrow, the debts will be collected, life taken will be regained by the death of another soul. Tomorrow is the day of reckoning. The day of vengeance for the sinful and the wicked and reward for the faithful...

*part 1 of the chronicles of the dark angel.

Quantum of Solace

I have come to a point
that I fear the most
I'm drawing back to
my place of solitude
eyes staring blankly
motionless.

mind is not working
slowly degenerating
like a machine out of tune
battery consumed
energy lost
useless.

shunning away reality
welcoming illusions
feeding the mind
like a snake recoiling
hibernating.

redeeming the energy
that is left of me
no care for the world
focusing on the ethereal
drawing it's energy
life-giving.

I have learned its structure
drinking it's life
savouring its vitality
like a child in the womb
fragile.

I see myself at the center
calmly floating in the ether
eyes closed... naked
dark place shined
by the waning moon
serenity.

now I am safe
and I'm staying in this place
'til I have acquired
energy I have lost
waiting.

Ice Cream

Your love is better than ice cream
Better than anything else that I’ve tried
And your love is better than ice cream
Everyone here know how to fight

And it’s a long way down
It’s a long way down
It’s a long way down to the place
Where we started from

Your love is better than chocolate
Better than anything else that I’ve tried
Oh love is better than chocolate
Everyone here knows how to cry

It’s a long way down
It’s a long way down
It’s a long way down to the place
Where we started from...

*sung by Sarah MacLachlan

Sweet Surrender

It doesn’t mean much
It doesn’t mean anything at all
The life I’ve left behind me
Is a cold room
I’ve crossed the last line
From where I can’t return
Where every step I took in faith
Betrayed me
And led me from my home
And sweet
Sweet surrender
Is all that I have to give
You take me in
No questions asked
You strip away the ugliness
That surrounds me
Are you an angel
Am I already that gone
I only hope
That I won’t disappoint you
When I’m down here
On my knees
And sweet
Sweet
Sweet surrender
Is all that I have to give
Sweet
Sweet
Sweet surrender
Is all that I have to give
And I don’t understand
By the touch of your hand
I would be the one to fall
I miss the little things
I miss everything (about you)
It doesn’t mean much
It doesn’t mean anything at all
The life I left behind me
Is a cold room
And sweet
Sweet
Sweet surrender
Is all that I have to give

*sung by Sarah MacLachlan

Numb

12:20 AM. Tonight I am numbed. No feelings. No raging emotions. Nothing at all. I like it. Thoughts of you passes by but it doesn't affect me much now. Perhaps, this is the effect of the beer I drank. Sedative. But I should be depressed, supposedly. Instead, I'm numbed... and it's good.

Earlier I was thinking of you and the feeling is good. Then again, that would only be a feeling. No more, no less.

I sent you a poem written by a friend of mine as it struck me much. I hope you have received it. I know you did. Anyway, I am sleepy now. Tired and sleepy. So I will lay myself to sleep. I have nothing to write anymore...

Goodnight sweetie... goodnight.



*3rd journal entry. no revision.

Elemental

you're like a fire
strong and fierce
mighty and intense
passionate and powerful

i'm like the oxygen
subtle and free
mysterious and calm
life-giving and sustaining

when fire and oxygen collide
be awed for their force and might
for they can inspire inventions
and cast total destruction

as fire consumes
oxygen sustains
fire destroys
oxygen replenish.

In Moments of Oblivion

you are my passion, you are my love
a gift from God above
my compass and my direction
my inspiration to every intentions.

you are covert, i am dreamy
but our combination is not dreary
you are fixed and i'm mutable
but our union is compatible.

we are opposites but we connect
a strong bond we have inject
and together we will harbor
our intimacy and our ardor.

630

woke up on the right side of the bed
with a picture of you in my head
hoping in my heart and in my mind
that you'll forever be mine...

Mayhem of Passion

9:20 PM. My day is not long yet I feel exhausted. I don't know what I'm feeling. I'm neither happy nor sad. It's better to be high or low than to be in between because at least you'll know how to deal with your emotions.

I expressed what I feel for I cannot contain my feelings anymore... and it was a release for me. But then, I should prepare myself for things unexpected. The result of initiating... making the move. And it's hard. I wish I know how you think or feel, at least, somehow I can readily accept things before you can even tell me. On the second thought, I would be deprived of the surprises in life if that is the case.

I am down because I haven't heard from the person I adore most. Who am I anyway to demand something out of you? I have to settle for the fact that the thing between us is nothing more than a game. Nothing more. You can be a good friend, but I wanted more, and you cannot give it back to me. What should I expect from what you've said, "Please, don't expect anything." In my case, I'd say that to somebody whom I'm not interested to. Wanting nothing more than friendship. But I still hope that it's not the same case with you. However, no matter how I think of reasons to justify the situation, it still boils down to the very same logic, or worse, this was and is really just a game. Painful. Very painful. And I can't blame you. In the first place, the fault is with me. Within me.

I have expressed my emotions, my feelings. There's nothing wrong with that right? At least, I took the chance and the answer is a BIG no. Or maybe I'm just thinking about it and demanding too much from you. Either way, I have to move on. This is not healthy for me because little by little I am drawing back to my own little space of refuge... a place of isolation to draw back my strength again.

I have to make a decision. I should stop right now. Let everything flow on its own. I have to control... no, not just control but bring to an end this raging emotions. Right now.

I should stop communing, thinking, feeling and everything. Go back to my basic routine with nobody to bother or distract my drift. Back to normal.

But that doesn't mean I will forget you. In my heart, you will always be cherished. Forgiven but not forgotten.


* 2nd journal entry. original text slightly revised.

Lamentations

It's 8:45 PM and I can't sleep. I need to release my emotions, otherwise I would explode... I'm falling... falling into you and just the thought of it kills me. I'm fighting these emotions, telling myself that this can't be possible. It's a one way thing, better let go of it early than suffer the consequences of assuming that the love I feel will be reciprocated.

Is this really love, or just infatuation? Fondness for a person that took my heart. God, help me! I wish I haven't felt this. I wish this will be over soon. I'm suffering from paranoia... I'm confused. My heart says it is love but my mind tells me not to give in to what I'm feeling. Emotions can fool you. My mind is right, but logic is weaker than what I feel... and it's making me crazy.

With you I feel loved, adored, cared. Nothing matters than being with you. Aerosmith is right... "I could stay awake just to hear you breathing..." I can't stop but stare at you. Memorizing the contours of your face, the flicker of your eyes, the shape of your brows, the whiteness of your teeth, the texture of your primrose lips and the sweet aroma of your breath...

Everything is about you. My world revolves around you lately. I would picture your face in my mind not realizing I have stared into nothingness for quite a long time. From time to time I would glance at my phone hoping to have received a message from you. A simple "hi", "hello" or "kamusta ka na?" can lift me up to a thousand heights already, otherwise it can plunge me into the abyss and take my very own sanity. Yet the hope that you are feeling the same way is still alive. But my mind would always tell me that it's not healthy anymore. It is not right, and i know it... but why can't I extract you out of my system? Like cancer cells increasing in population, overpowering the normal healthy ones. My self meter reaching both extremities. The highest and the lowest points. Intense. Very intense. And I'm clinging into what keeps me sane. Writing it down is one of them. This pulls me back to reality... only for few periods... but this is better than nothing to hold on to at all.

Was there love? Or just lust? But I felt your fondness. The feeling is mutual. I guess, only for that moment... and I'm getting crazy trying to hold on to it. I remember you asked me why am I staring at you and I replied singing "I could stay awake just to hear you breathing", and we end up singing the song, laughing in between notes. When we bid goodbye to each other, you left me with a kiss. No, not just a kiss... many kisses, for if only we should not depart. But then we have to. I will always remember this moment. Always.

Was it love? If so, why does it take you so long to reply to my messages? Or am I just insatiable? But when you do, why so short? NO. You are always like that. I think I'm paranoid. I often come to a point of crying, but I can't. Reason tells me not to. For what? But crying would be the best remedy. If only I could. Yes, I could. Can somebody take me out of this? Help me... please...

They say love is the most beautiful thing... but why is it not the same with me? Is this not love then? I guess not... But I so wanted to keep you... so much... then again, that would be selfish of me... :-(

Can I keep you? Please...



* first journal entry... i decided to record every moment of my life and this is the beginning...

schizophrenia

bliss
pleasure
heaven
paradise
misery.

reason
stability
lucidity
rationality
insanity.

fear
distress
apprehension
trepidation
panic
assurance.

love
ardor
devotion
passion
hatred.

alone
forlorn
solitary
deserted
me.

In Moments of Weakness

i have written a lot of composition tonight
senseless they maybe
it frees me from the downpour of emotions
but why don't i feel it?

Untitled

Listening to Sarah MacLachlan's songs feeble me. I have listened to her songs many times but this moment her words are so strong piercing my heart knowing that the messages of her songs are real... Being alone to some is a weakness, but for me it is my strength. In stillness I become alive again. In her music I become stronger. But with the fusion of the two I felt weaker, yet after the music have played, after the momentary solitude, I am renewed.

We would love to give in to a sweet surrender to someone we really love the most, and we cannot help but realize that the person's love is indeed better than ice cream. Yet the more we get to know the person the deeper the mystery builds. We come to a point in our life that we fear the person's departure and hoping for grace to be fuller than ever. Otherwise we succumb to a situation that we become helpless and believe that we have failed. Hoping for an angel to come rescue us form the dire situation. Searching for reasons to every questions. And somehow, with hope still that an ordinary miracle can happen. Yet the possibility that the person will remember us is minute. The worst, we will always remember that person we have fallen for but left a vacuum in our heart. And somehow goodbye is the best solution for both...

Some People

some people come
some people go
some people stay
and i wish you will

some people slay
some people bar
and some are incessant
but i wish you are none

you would come i knew
and you have stayed
but leaving is an option
to plump for never would i

but then again
if that option you'd choose
freedom
i would gladly give

for better it is to see
others happy with you
than in my arms
in complete writhe

but still i wish
for you to stay...


*there are times when people would come to give us life only to leave us soon with a hollow inside

316

alone in the park
eagerly i await
for the hour to come
when you and i meet

seconds pass
minutes into hours
mindless i am
for you are here at last

your presence
weakens me
your absence
kills me

now alone in my room
tired and helpless
roused suddenly
by a song i used to listen

then i realized
remember you i will
but
will you remember me?


*en memoriam 316

El Saga Del Oscuro Angel

Bienvenidos. Esta la oscuridad de mi...Aqui es parte de mi vida donde libremente ensañar el lado vida oscuridad...Mi pasion, mi deseo, mi las artes y mi vida... Mi mucho falta hacer muchos cosas, pero mi imagino resolver con disponible que. Muchos personas estar soprendido que son veo aqui. Algunas posible decir mi ese anormal acosa de veo pero mi creer este mi vida y mi gusta parte para muchos personas entender...

P.S. te pido perdon por una equivocacion... gracias!

Momentary Bliss

"Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaketh", as the Bible says. My heart is full of mixed emotions which I cannot contain. I wanted to write it down and record everything... but I can't. Lot's of ideas come into my mind yet it would take minutes before I can put it into words. For one thing, I am very happy... not just happy, ECSTATIC! I have experienced the Third Law of Motion where you give and your giving is reciprocated, you care and being cared in return, you love and felt loved at the same time. I am very much inspired that if I could only write a poetry out of these emotions I feel, I could have written an epic. It's totally cloud nine, every piece of me is electrified, recharged. It's a life-saving energy, inspiring you to keep on going and believe that life indeed is beautiful... my words are not enough to portray sensation I am yoked with... I wish it will last forever as numbers expand infinitely in both directions. I wish I could hold on to it... like capillary tubes holding the fluid inside... forever. Aaarrrggggghhhh... I wish there is a way I could get rid of this passion for abiding it would mean foolishness... Ahhhh... I wish I could understand the secret power of the heart for even the powerful mind can be defeated by it... so much easily...

Then again these emotions that encompasses me is like Pandora's box... only the opposite. Instead of the tiny hope at its nethermost, it's fear. Fear of the aftermath of this storming emotions inside me. Fear about the absolute truth in Limits... the graph gets closer and closer to the asymptote but it will never touch. You can get saturated but sooner you get spoiled.

This means a chance... yet I'm holding back... for the heart is also deceitful. And these emotions are just momentary bliss... but then I hope... not.

*** lemma radiesthesia

Mickey

She was a small ball of life seeking refuge inside my shoes. It was the only place where she could hide to protect herself against the harsh world. A small, delicate and beautiful fighter. Finally, she was transferred to a place where she alone can rule. A place where she is the center of everything, the Queen. Day by day, she grew more beautiful, showing the vitality of life anyone of her kind would have at that age… she may not be as beautiful as the others but for me, she is fairest of them all.

Our friendship developed as we get to know each other day by day. A friendship beyond compare. I have never seen her unhappy, despite of my incapability to supply everything she wanted. Instead I would be welcomed by her every time I arrived home as if I was away for a long time. I sometimes put my hand on her every time she misbehaves but she would kiss my feet as if trying to say sorry in return. I would deprive her of her food but she would patiently wait for the time you would give her share of the meal. She would always stand up and recognize you as you go out for school, her way of saying goodbye and take care! She is always very excited every time we go out together and enjoy the cool breeze at night. I would scold her for soiling my uniform when she welcomes me home with a big hug, but I love her more for that. She would jump for joy when I have something special for her and in return I get much kisses. I would watch her play with the insects and the plants and the grass with fascination enjoying the thought that they also have their own way of being childish. And perhaps, the greatest of all would be the fact that she would always listen to me whenever I have problems which I cannot share to anybody. She may not offer something more physical except for being there by your side but the comfort that she brings plus the assurance that she gives is already a miracle. Comfort over pains and sufferings, healing of a broken heart, presence in moments of loneliness, all these is a miracle that can happen just by being with her.

I was and am still hurting for we have to part ways. A decision both of us would not want but we have to do. She may not say anything but by the look of her eyes you can see the sadness and the pain of her being separated me, from us. A moment that is so hard for both of us for by looking at her I would breakdown knowing that there is nothing I could do to keep us together. Times when I would visit her and she would be so happy but only for a while knowing that I would leave her again soon. The feeling is so painful knowing that both of you wanted to be with each other again but you just simply can’t. These has been our situation for several weeks, giving her assurance with each visit that I would always be there for her and that one day I would pick her up and we could go home together. Then I came home one night and was shocked with the news: “She is gone!” I was numbed and don’t know what to do or to think. I went to the bathroom and right there and then I broke into tears. Tears for my beloved bestfriend.

And everything just came flooding into my mind:

We would never have a time to stroll at night and smell the cool breeze.

I cannot put my hand on her again and feel her kisses in return.

I will not have someone who would bid me goodbye when I go to school.

I will not have someone who would gladly welcome me when I arrived home.

I will not have someone whom I can talk to again when I’m down.

I will not have someone who would just sit beside me.

I cannot say to her again that “One day we will go home.”

I will not see her again, not just for weeks, but for eternity. And I’m missing her so much…

A Tribute to my beloved dog and bestfriend who will always be in my heart, “Mickey”. June 2004 – September 6, 2008

By Mike 12:30 AM September 7, 2008

Paradox

I want to create something new... something different... defy forces... force my self to the limit, but I am drained... like all my resources are sucked out of me. I feel like I'm a vacuum where a body or object can freely fall without any resistance at all... my spirit is willing but my body is weak. A time where you just want to lay back, feel the cool breeze, watch the sun sets and listen to the music made by the waves foaming its way to the shore.

Somehow... amidst these atrocities that baffle humanity is an energy that gives fire to every passion of a human soul. A small ball of fire that differs from one person to another, the fire that rekindles and replenishes us to keep us going... and I'm trying to find mine... standing in a long winding crossroads that leads to nowhere is tiring... killing the fire within little by little. Consuming the only hope that is left of me...

I have done great things and accomplished a lot, I believe. But still there is this space in me... a small space that takes the oxygen out of me... and I'm finding ways to fix it.... but somehow nothing fits...

The Rain Ceases

Since the rain ceases

not to cleanse the earth,

I shall admit myself to it,

allowing it to expunge

every drop of blood

that has made a home in my chest…

– angelo

Sometimes the best way to deal with things is to give in to what life has to offer hoping that it would ease the pain and the memory of what has been… as the rain ceases we are refreshed, giving us hope to start anew. We eagerly await for the bright rays of sun, with it a promise of hope and strength to face an upcoming bigger storm.

Often, we don’t understand why such things happen to us… and we try with all our might to counteract the forces behind it, only to fail… and giving into the situation sometimes is the easier way… like a boat under a storm, we are tossed to all sides… the harder we try to control the sail… the painful we fall… when our strength is drained… we let our human mechanism overcome us… putting us into rest… and as we sleep, we let the storm direct our way… and in the end, we wake up on a bright unfamilair shore gleaming with promises, opportunities and new and more exciting adventures. We realize that sometimes we don’t understand why such things happen to us… but ultimately everything happens with a purpose… an intricate plan with a promise of great rewards which in the end we, ourselves reaps.

Like a flower… we sprout, bloom and crushed, yet we release fragrance of forgiveness, healing and hope and a seed for a new beginning…

Rain

The night sky is young,

yet the heavens are crying

with rain pouring down,

washing the earth clean,

yet my chest remained stained

with blood from a broken heart

that once took shelter

in the arms that felt so warm and safe…

– angelo

Life indeed can make us and break us… there are things that we cannot control no matter how hard we try… in the end we just find ourselves losers in this game of life… or maybe we are just thinking about it. Is it really life that makes us losers or us? We really do not know… This is part of an intricate yet creatively done design of our life. There are times when we rejoice on the triumph and the desires that have been achieved, but the glory that these victories can bring us fades away soon before we totally grasp it, because behind all this limelight lies a soul longing to be loved. Yet, all things in this world fades… we are actors watched by an audience of One. One thing is for sure though, these things become part of our whole being… making us the person that we are today… everyday is a struggle, everyday is a new opportunity and adventure… everyday is a new beginning. A new start to an already broken heart. Each day our hearts are being shattered by one and made whole again by another… but we still fall back to one person that made a difference in our life and left us with a missing piece that somehow can never make our heart whole again…