invincible
sublime
a fiery river of emotion
extending
bridging
growing in motion of time.
he burned my heart
in the furnace of crime
sending essence of
corruption
that clouds my mind.
thus,
I cry
a battle cry song
that burned us
Both of us.
leaving smokes
of regrets
of pain.
I fall.
I lose.
alone.
Journal Entry # 45
January 23, 2010
11:45 PM
Staring blankly at the ceiling, I was brought to some place familiar. We were seated face to face enjoying the cheeseburger meal we ordered. It was one of those nights when I feel good just to have you around. You love talking while I enjoyed listening. It’s like you’re a piece of entertainment I couldn’t miss even though I’ve seen it many times.
“What???, How many times did I tell you not to look at me like that?” you would asked me when I fixed my sight on you.”Am I ugly? Something wrong?” you would continue. I just said nothing. I’m afraid my vocabulary is not wide enough to describe the beauty in front of me – not to mention your grammar-sensitive ears.
I don’t know who you are – figuratively speaking. It’s like you are enclosed in a halo or a Venus energy that every man is drawn to you. And like Venus, you trash them away – most of them – never even bothered to put to recyclable cans. The way you talk, move, sway, gesture – everything is in sequence and in tune with each other that over all it’s like an orchestra of music pleasing to the eyes and ears. Yet, you are like a baby, constantly in need of care, attention and love.
When you’re mad, you scare the hell out of everyone else. Like it would be the last day of whoever touches you. And I am afraid to feel Venus’ wrath because I am afraid to lose you. You enslave me like you enslaved every man. I’ve seen your Medusa yet I keep coming back for Venus overshadows the dark side. You have left me once and I’m afraid it would happen again. I know how it feels, its draw back on me. Your like a demigod feeding me with ambrosia I couldn’t have with any one else.
Am I spell bounded? No matter how I try to write the ugly you it turns out to be a beauty. Maybe. Walking with you in the dark of the night I do not fear. I would laugh at how I would hide from people just to have you alone. My thirst is quenched just to hear you speak and know that you are okay. Your daily rants and musings amuses me. You’re like a piece of puzzle I would love to solve everyday. Nothing but more of you and less of me.
I fear the coming days. When you will be gone, forever. Like fairies and fairyland dies when every child give up believing. I fear that I might not be able to solve puzzles again. I fear I won’t hear the elating sound of the orchestra anymore. I fear that I would never taste ambrosia again, bitter as it may seem. I fear that I would not be able to solve the mystery of you – forever. I fear. I fear.
– Mike
You made a poet out of me
Scribbled notes about you I see
I made sure that each line rhymes
To follow the beat of this heart of mine
I would lay down a great canvass
The painter I am is unleashed at last
These thousand words would burst to life
A picture with you and what I’d be like
You are the music of my lyrics
The melody of my written words
There may be silence, or maybe codas
But I will put bridges and repeat chorus
I would sculpt you in finest marbles
And parade you in clearest crystals
Because I want the world to see
How much you mean to me
I may have all there is in art
But this now I have to start
Will a song with me you’ll sing
If I strum the guitar strings?
Can you read my thoughts?
I don’t know
I’m afraid
Afraid that I might fail
To meet you somewhere I don’t know
My mind can’t conceive
I’m trying to believe
That you just love freedom
But you loved freedom
Too much
Too much, that you wanted freedom
When all I wanted was you.
Can you read my thoughts?
No.
You can’t.
Coz when I’m here waiting
You are there somewhere
Seeking
Flirting
Leaving.
My heart screams
My mind dreams
But they were never answered
And will never be.
I said: “I love you”
I never lied.
You said: “I love you”
But you never tried.
they come
they tease
they promise
they please
such a joy to the heart
that bleeds
a tempting meal to the one in need
’til I gave in to their promises
empty as it has been
like paper tigers
they offer no fear
I fall
I crawl
I drip
I weep
and the next cistern of promises
broken
empty
I keep.
I know how your skin feels like
the valleys and contours so treacherous
a bite won’t hurt, but can I ask for more?
For too much you would poison me
You hear the sound of my pleading
as your grip tightens on my soft skin
the moans of suffering that chokes
the life out of this helpless soul
I taste the sweetness of your cherry lips
only after my skin reddened from your beating
only when I feel no more
under the chains that only you commands
you’ll see me creeping, beg for more
not of your whipping but of mercy
as shadows leave the darkened hall
I lie dripping on the floor.
Taking advantage of my nostalgic mood, I resume my journey down memory lane. Do you still remember the movies and television shows you watched? I do. I was studying in a public high school then back in Cainta, Rizal and my class is only half day. Starts at 6:00 am and ends at 12:40pm. I usually am in a hurry after class to either go to the gym and practice volleyball, go to a nearby computer station and play X-Men or Tekken - back then its graphics weren’t as refined as the latest version - or to go home and watch my favorite shows.
I remember back in high school after our final exam we went to Sta. Lucia East Grand Mall and stand by at the entrance waiting for the mall to open. It was an hour of waiting just to be the first in line to watch “Titanic”. Entrance to the cinema then was 70 pesos when it would be 25 pesos here in Bacolod for movies like that.
The 90s were also the height of Mexican/Spanish telenovelas. I would catch up “Lazos de Amor” when I arrive home - Thalia wasn’t famous then and her telenovela at RPN 9 was “Quincenera” together with Lucero, the star of Lazos de Amor. It was only later when everybody got crazy over “Marimar” that the producer invited her to have a concert in Manila. At 4:30 in the afternoon my friends and I were already in front of the TV set watching Claudine Barreto, Christine Hermosa, Paolo Contis and the rest of the young stars right now crack their jokes at “4:30 na! And TV na!” show. This was replaced later by the Filipino version of “Dawson’s Creek”, Tabing Ilog. I would go home early in the evening to watch “Superman” where Dean Cane and Teri Tatcher were the stars then, “Tales from the Crypt” and “Are You Afraid of the Dark?”. The week wouldn’t be complete if I fail to watch “Bubble Gang”. Back then the show was wholesome. I would laugh my heart out at the MTV (music tagalog version) or MEV (music english version) of the current chart hits and the funny side of the latest commercials or watch Rica Peralejo and the gang in T.G.I.F. (Thank God it’s Friday).
Who can forget the Baywatch? Everybody drools at the lifeguard’s Pamela Anderson, David Hasslehoff and the rest of the cast parading in bikini and trunks at the beach. Or maybe laugh with F.R.I.E.N.D.S., joined Calixta Flockhart in her cases as Ally McBeal, share sentiments with the college life of the people of Melrose Place and Beverly Hills 90210 or be shocked by the cases in the X-files. I will not forget the Power Rangers when I would shout “It’s morphin time! Blue 3! Sabertooth Tiger! (haha) or Mask Rider Black, Dragonball Z, Bioman and Ultraman - watching them now would make me laugh at how “bahul” the graphics are but back then it was so awesome!
These were great shows that taught me some good values. Right now, movies and tv shows are filled with great graphics and special effects of less value while anime and manga and on-line games corrupted the minds of the young. These shows how society degenerated from the 90s to present. I guess there can never be any decade better than the 90s! I’m proud I’m a 90s child! Haha.
I was born in the decade of the dawn of electronic pop music and colorful leggings and headbands as if you are going into an aerobic class. I still had them playing in my mind: Brother Louie, Karma Chameleon, Rick Ashley, Cher, Roxette to name a few of the songs and artists. But the 90s bring so much memories especially with my friends and “barkadas” whenever I hear the songs being played on the radio or its new version are sang by my students.
The 90s gave fame to boy bands – duo, or group. We used to play their music when we have school programs and even memorize their dance moves. Code Red, LFO, Boyzone, NSYNC, Backstreet Boys, Savage Garden, Hanson, Moffats, 911 and a lot more. Not to forget the rock bands: No Doubt, Oasis, Nickleback, Blur, Nirvana, Radiohead, Pulp, Coldplay, U2, Foo Fighters, Bone Thugs, Black Sabbath and Metallica on the extreme. Add up the feud between the HipHop wearing baggy pants and loose shirts against the Punk’s skinny pants and shirts in black. The late 90s also gave rise to “girl power” popularized by the SPICE Girls with Solid Harmonie, Bewitched and Destiny’s Child along. Thus, triggered the search for equality with men of the female species. Alternative artist also savored the eminence of the decade like The Corrs, Meridith Brooks and who can forget Alanis Morissette!
But what gives me the melancholy and melodramatic feelings are the, as I may say, timeless or classic songs of Eraserheads, Rivermaya, Parokya Ni Edgar and Introvoys. Everytime I hear their song brings me back to my high school years when being young and feeling “I already know everything” gives me so much freedom. Me and my “barkada” used to stay under a mango tree late in the afternoon with a bottle of Tanduay, strumming the guitar to the tune of Harana, Awit ng Barkada, Para Sa Masa, Toyang, Elesi and more. Life is fun and easy then. There’s nothing to worry about except if we can ever go to college and find a decent job in the future. This was the decade when our dreams and ambitions are weave and intertwined with the nationalistic and youthful cry of these local bands.
Now, as I remember this decade in my life, I can only smile. The 90s gave me so much memories to cherish even if the dreams and ambitions we woven aren’t what they are now. There is so much that because of its volume I am overwhelmed to put into writing.
I only wish I could go back in time, even just for a day. Siting under the mango tree, drinking my shot of Tanduay, singing the songs with my “barkada” as they strum the guitar strings…
breathe in the last gasp of life
savour its inequities
break Narcisso’s mirrors
give in to your lustful eyes
cease the monotony
of masses in chorus cry
like wading ebb of people
dancing in their own demise
walk in fashion of a cat
silently they would pry
or like an Egyptian
and give in to their desire
roll over the scarlet carpet
of adultery and egotism
ride the tide of screaming crowds
that makes the evil proud
of serpent’s eye they watch
and slither in there own poison
they strike their own venom
and petrifies your opinion
nowhere to run, nowhere to hide
only one thing to decide
in immunity you will survive
or breathe in the last gasp of life.
It saddens me to know that the people whom you trust will be there for you in situations you know they would understand and be able to lift you up.. are the ones pulling you down instead.
It is even sadder to know that people of different faith and beliefs are the ones encouraging you and lifting you up. Giving you hope, pushing you to carry on knowing that they understand you and believe that what you are doing is indeed worth the fight.
And sadder still when these people of the same faith feeds on you that they become Pharisees themselves and forgetting the essence of the church - the body of Christ. Let's pray that God will deal us according to His will that His name will be glorified in the end and we are humbled.
