invincible
sublime
a fiery river of emotion
extending
bridging
growing in motion of time.
he burned my heart
in the furnace of crime
sending essence of
corruption
that clouds my mind.
thus,
I cry
a battle cry song
that burned us
Both of us.
leaving smokes
of regrets
of pain.
I fall.
I lose.
alone.
Journal Entry # 45
January 23, 2010
11:45 PM
Staring blankly at the ceiling, I was brought to some place familiar. We were seated face to face enjoying the cheeseburger meal we ordered. It was one of those nights when I feel good just to have you around. You love talking while I enjoyed listening. It’s like you’re a piece of entertainment I couldn’t miss even though I’ve seen it many times.
“What???, How many times did I tell you not to look at me like that?” you would asked me when I fixed my sight on you.”Am I ugly? Something wrong?” you would continue. I just said nothing. I’m afraid my vocabulary is not wide enough to describe the beauty in front of me – not to mention your grammar-sensitive ears.
I don’t know who you are – figuratively speaking. It’s like you are enclosed in a halo or a Venus energy that every man is drawn to you. And like Venus, you trash them away – most of them – never even bothered to put to recyclable cans. The way you talk, move, sway, gesture – everything is in sequence and in tune with each other that over all it’s like an orchestra of music pleasing to the eyes and ears. Yet, you are like a baby, constantly in need of care, attention and love.
When you’re mad, you scare the hell out of everyone else. Like it would be the last day of whoever touches you. And I am afraid to feel Venus’ wrath because I am afraid to lose you. You enslave me like you enslaved every man. I’ve seen your Medusa yet I keep coming back for Venus overshadows the dark side. You have left me once and I’m afraid it would happen again. I know how it feels, its draw back on me. Your like a demigod feeding me with ambrosia I couldn’t have with any one else.
Am I spell bounded? No matter how I try to write the ugly you it turns out to be a beauty. Maybe. Walking with you in the dark of the night I do not fear. I would laugh at how I would hide from people just to have you alone. My thirst is quenched just to hear you speak and know that you are okay. Your daily rants and musings amuses me. You’re like a piece of puzzle I would love to solve everyday. Nothing but more of you and less of me.
I fear the coming days. When you will be gone, forever. Like fairies and fairyland dies when every child give up believing. I fear that I might not be able to solve puzzles again. I fear I won’t hear the elating sound of the orchestra anymore. I fear that I would never taste ambrosia again, bitter as it may seem. I fear that I would not be able to solve the mystery of you – forever. I fear. I fear.
– Mike
You made a poet out of me
Scribbled notes about you I see
I made sure that each line rhymes
To follow the beat of this heart of mine
I would lay down a great canvass
The painter I am is unleashed at last
These thousand words would burst to life
A picture with you and what I’d be like
You are the music of my lyrics
The melody of my written words
There may be silence, or maybe codas
But I will put bridges and repeat chorus
I would sculpt you in finest marbles
And parade you in clearest crystals
Because I want the world to see
How much you mean to me
I may have all there is in art
But this now I have to start
Will a song with me you’ll sing
If I strum the guitar strings?
Can you read my thoughts?
I don’t know
I’m afraid
Afraid that I might fail
To meet you somewhere I don’t know
My mind can’t conceive
I’m trying to believe
That you just love freedom
But you loved freedom
Too much
Too much, that you wanted freedom
When all I wanted was you.
Can you read my thoughts?
No.
You can’t.
Coz when I’m here waiting
You are there somewhere
Seeking
Flirting
Leaving.
My heart screams
My mind dreams
But they were never answered
And will never be.
I said: “I love you”
I never lied.
You said: “I love you”
But you never tried.
they come
they tease
they promise
they please
such a joy to the heart
that bleeds
a tempting meal to the one in need
’til I gave in to their promises
empty as it has been
like paper tigers
they offer no fear
I fall
I crawl
I drip
I weep
and the next cistern of promises
broken
empty
I keep.
I know how your skin feels like
the valleys and contours so treacherous
a bite won’t hurt, but can I ask for more?
For too much you would poison me
You hear the sound of my pleading
as your grip tightens on my soft skin
the moans of suffering that chokes
the life out of this helpless soul
I taste the sweetness of your cherry lips
only after my skin reddened from your beating
only when I feel no more
under the chains that only you commands
you’ll see me creeping, beg for more
not of your whipping but of mercy
as shadows leave the darkened hall
I lie dripping on the floor.
Taking advantage of my nostalgic mood, I resume my journey down memory lane. Do you still remember the movies and television shows you watched? I do. I was studying in a public high school then back in Cainta, Rizal and my class is only half day. Starts at 6:00 am and ends at 12:40pm. I usually am in a hurry after class to either go to the gym and practice volleyball, go to a nearby computer station and play X-Men or Tekken - back then its graphics weren’t as refined as the latest version - or to go home and watch my favorite shows.
I remember back in high school after our final exam we went to Sta. Lucia East Grand Mall and stand by at the entrance waiting for the mall to open. It was an hour of waiting just to be the first in line to watch “Titanic”. Entrance to the cinema then was 70 pesos when it would be 25 pesos here in Bacolod for movies like that.
The 90s were also the height of Mexican/Spanish telenovelas. I would catch up “Lazos de Amor” when I arrive home - Thalia wasn’t famous then and her telenovela at RPN 9 was “Quincenera” together with Lucero, the star of Lazos de Amor. It was only later when everybody got crazy over “Marimar” that the producer invited her to have a concert in Manila. At 4:30 in the afternoon my friends and I were already in front of the TV set watching Claudine Barreto, Christine Hermosa, Paolo Contis and the rest of the young stars right now crack their jokes at “4:30 na! And TV na!” show. This was replaced later by the Filipino version of “Dawson’s Creek”, Tabing Ilog. I would go home early in the evening to watch “Superman” where Dean Cane and Teri Tatcher were the stars then, “Tales from the Crypt” and “Are You Afraid of the Dark?”. The week wouldn’t be complete if I fail to watch “Bubble Gang”. Back then the show was wholesome. I would laugh my heart out at the MTV (music tagalog version) or MEV (music english version) of the current chart hits and the funny side of the latest commercials or watch Rica Peralejo and the gang in T.G.I.F. (Thank God it’s Friday).
Who can forget the Baywatch? Everybody drools at the lifeguard’s Pamela Anderson, David Hasslehoff and the rest of the cast parading in bikini and trunks at the beach. Or maybe laugh with F.R.I.E.N.D.S., joined Calixta Flockhart in her cases as Ally McBeal, share sentiments with the college life of the people of Melrose Place and Beverly Hills 90210 or be shocked by the cases in the X-files. I will not forget the Power Rangers when I would shout “It’s morphin time! Blue 3! Sabertooth Tiger! (haha) or Mask Rider Black, Dragonball Z, Bioman and Ultraman - watching them now would make me laugh at how “bahul” the graphics are but back then it was so awesome!
These were great shows that taught me some good values. Right now, movies and tv shows are filled with great graphics and special effects of less value while anime and manga and on-line games corrupted the minds of the young. These shows how society degenerated from the 90s to present. I guess there can never be any decade better than the 90s! I’m proud I’m a 90s child! Haha.
I was born in the decade of the dawn of electronic pop music and colorful leggings and headbands as if you are going into an aerobic class. I still had them playing in my mind: Brother Louie, Karma Chameleon, Rick Ashley, Cher, Roxette to name a few of the songs and artists. But the 90s bring so much memories especially with my friends and “barkadas” whenever I hear the songs being played on the radio or its new version are sang by my students.
The 90s gave fame to boy bands – duo, or group. We used to play their music when we have school programs and even memorize their dance moves. Code Red, LFO, Boyzone, NSYNC, Backstreet Boys, Savage Garden, Hanson, Moffats, 911 and a lot more. Not to forget the rock bands: No Doubt, Oasis, Nickleback, Blur, Nirvana, Radiohead, Pulp, Coldplay, U2, Foo Fighters, Bone Thugs, Black Sabbath and Metallica on the extreme. Add up the feud between the HipHop wearing baggy pants and loose shirts against the Punk’s skinny pants and shirts in black. The late 90s also gave rise to “girl power” popularized by the SPICE Girls with Solid Harmonie, Bewitched and Destiny’s Child along. Thus, triggered the search for equality with men of the female species. Alternative artist also savored the eminence of the decade like The Corrs, Meridith Brooks and who can forget Alanis Morissette!
But what gives me the melancholy and melodramatic feelings are the, as I may say, timeless or classic songs of Eraserheads, Rivermaya, Parokya Ni Edgar and Introvoys. Everytime I hear their song brings me back to my high school years when being young and feeling “I already know everything” gives me so much freedom. Me and my “barkada” used to stay under a mango tree late in the afternoon with a bottle of Tanduay, strumming the guitar to the tune of Harana, Awit ng Barkada, Para Sa Masa, Toyang, Elesi and more. Life is fun and easy then. There’s nothing to worry about except if we can ever go to college and find a decent job in the future. This was the decade when our dreams and ambitions are weave and intertwined with the nationalistic and youthful cry of these local bands.
Now, as I remember this decade in my life, I can only smile. The 90s gave me so much memories to cherish even if the dreams and ambitions we woven aren’t what they are now. There is so much that because of its volume I am overwhelmed to put into writing.
I only wish I could go back in time, even just for a day. Siting under the mango tree, drinking my shot of Tanduay, singing the songs with my “barkada” as they strum the guitar strings…
it's almost 12 midnight...
been thinking of Papa lately...
i'm missing him.... so much....
the memories of his few days with us is still vivid...
and it makes me cry...
i wonder what he is doin right now....
it started asI am glad that somehow I have touched other people’s lives in some way through this blog. And recognizing such, I’m left with nothing but in full gratitude. My Lady C, what more can I say but BIG THANKS! (I made that poem aiming for this award honestly! – hahaha no I’m just kidding, I didn’t know those awards existed until now) and without further adieu, here is what the award is all about:
The Heartfelt Award is awarded to those whose blogs touch your heart upon visiting. I am honored to be keeping a blog which touches people's hearts so much! Thank you, Diana P., for your kind words about me, on your blog! And thank you for thinking about me for this award! I will have to pass this award on to Mike. Mike (as we all know) wrote a poem for me on his blog, which so touched my heart and the hearts of all of my readers who visited that poem, therefore, I think he deserves this award! Congratulations, Mike! :)
On the other hand this award comes with another award which, if chosen, you have to abide. See if your name-link is included hahaha. Here it goes:
Honest Scrap Award This award comes with rules! 1. “The Honest Scrap” award is not one to hold all to your self but it must be shared! 2. First, the recipient has to tell 10 true things about themselves in their blog that no one else knows. 3. Second, the recipient has to pass along this prestigious award to 10 more bloggers. 4. Third, those 10 bloggers all have to be notified they have been given with this award. 5. Those 10 bloggers that receive this award should link back to the blog that awarded them “The Honest Scrap’ award. Thank you, Crazy Rabbit Lady!!!!For this award!!!!
Now, I’ll start with the BIG TEN (ugh!!! Do I really have to write this? Lol) 1. I’m a chocoholic; 2. I don’t like being in a gathering, it drains me up; 3. I love gothic themes; 4. I have a dear friend – a white mice; hahaha I’m really out of words to say nor secrets to tell… 5. I am poor in grammar; 6. I’m into reggae and latin beats; I’m almost there hahaha… 7. I love tequila; 8. I have a sea lion stuffed toy which I treasure much – I bought it at Ocean Adventure; 9. I’m a anime fanatic and… FINALLY… 10. I am childish.LOL there you go! So I pass the – should I say wet blanket? – lol nah… the FUN to the following people:
Whew! What else can I say but I envy my sister!!! Damn… she’s got a new baby…(not the baby you're thinking of hehehe)… She’s got a new SAMSUNG TL225 Dual View Smart Camera (see picture below) an early Christmas gift from Steve (her boyfriend). He’s a good guy you know, except that he would always wanted me to be jealous of my sister… grrr… you know techi things.. my weakness… now as I look at my Sony T2 Cybershot… sigh… it seems to be obsolete hahaha… but well, I’m happy for my sister… and I can feel and see that Steve loves her much… I pray things may go well with them alongside God’s blessings!
Look at her… isn’t she a beauty? (complete with accessories and all – sigh again)
So to contain myself, I took a picture of me using her camera! lol
If I were to be asked one day: “If my time will come,
will I be ready to go and be gone,
from these fleeting world, like a dying sun
no, nothing left but memories forgone?”
This made me think deeper and sad
for I myself don’t know the answer to this one.
I may boldly say: “To heaven I shall land!”
But tears falls slowly for in doubt I am drowned.
I don’t know why I feel so low
when I’m confronted suddenly
with these thoughts I nowhere sought
it’s impact is so huge that I just fell down on my knees
weakened and defenseless, I don’t know where else to heed.
Where does my faith have gone?
What creature have I become?
That I have come to love this world
in exchange to eternity’s bode.
These thoughts stole my sleep
‘til the wee hours I tire and bleed
answers to these questions I cannot seek
hoping tomorrow there’s a promise to keep.
I come to visit you today
And lighted a candle for you
And noticed the epitaph
Where your name is curve into
A sudden emotion struck me
Which for long I have subdued
I just couldn’t believe it
That in there was really you.
All the while I thought
You’re still a part of us
That I just miss you
Everytime I go to class
But this epitaph shouts
A tablet of solid truth:
“Here lies the body of a father
Who left a lasting legacy
Grounded from the noble root.”
With this i turned my back
And hold tears from falling
And promised to come back
To where this epitaph is calling.
The Candles
We arrived at Tibiao today at 1 in the afternoon. One thing I like the most everytime I go home to Antique is I get to taste fresh catched fish and other seafoods. So we had a bountiful lunch – I dunno the name of the fish but I did enjoy it – afterwhich my sister and I went to the cemetery and lighted three candles for my Papa, Lola and Tito then we went to the Poblacion and bought some stuffs. It’s nice to see new things even after 10 years since high school.
The Phone Call
When we arrived home I had a nap and was awaken by a phone call from my dear, had a short chat with Tita and she invited me to visit her at Ozamis City on her birthday. I was happy actually since I had a very good conversation with her and I feel I am very welcomed. Can’t wait to go there soon!
The Play
Then my nieces and nephews invited me to swim – our place is a beach front – so I had fun with them playing “IT” as the waves toss us by and by while the sun is setting (this is so NICE!). I took a bath at the faucet near the garden as my nieces and nephews watch me after they had taken their baths. I was in a playful spirit so I sang songs and show them my “muscles” with every pose. They luaghed at me and I laughed at them. I was a great time! This is one of those precious moments I wish I had recorded.
October 31, 2009 8:21 PM
I just finished packing my things for tomorrow’s trip. All of us – my Mom, sister and me – are going home to Antique early mourn to visit Papa’s memorial. He was buried there after he died late February this year since Antique was his birthplace, specifically in Tibiao. Me and my sister is kinda excited since we’ll gonna see the beach again and of course swim. We’ll have tannned to black skin when we come back to Bacolod. Also, I’m expecting to see my high school friends and classmates at the cemetery so this is gonna be fun!
Hoping to get some nice pictures at the beach and well at the cemetery hahaha… with my friends, classmates and relatives.
This means that I'm gonna be away for a while - just for three days - but I'm hopeful that there's gonna be an internet connection there for me not to miss some things on the web. :-)
Have a fun and quality All Saint’s/Souls to everyone. Always remember that: “the best memories are the ones treasured in our hearts for they last a lifetime!”
God bless!
I can never make a poem
as lovely as it can be
to such a beautiful woman
whose name is Lady C
I long to see the day
to glimpse her skin of porcelain
and feel the softness of
her brown hair on my skin
she is a fan of bags
which no man understands
if only he could grasps
in poetry she would dance
I could never miss to see
the beauty of her face
a day or two or three
everyday is such a blaze
but now I rest my case
these things that I have known
that beauty has a grace
to this lady I do not own.
for my blogger friend: Charity Joy Bell
photo credits: http://charityjoybell.com/
Beyond the horizon of endless sight
lies the City of blinding lights
where my dreams and fantasies alight
possible but not by my might
the City where my sorrow fades
to blurry illusions masked by haze
replaced by joy however daze
amassed from musings of each day
miasmatic as it seem to me
lost in wandering I cannot be
for within, the voice of you my Liege
echoes, guiding my every leap
and there I see my dearest Papa
whom I missed and much by Mama
dressed in robe as white as manna
joyfully walking with God’s armada
but when I blink to clearly see
the place was just my room indeed
and the blinding light was but the sun’s
telling me: you have to run.
photo credit: flicker.com
Has love ever be this painful?
I could have written an epic
to which I am the hero
of this love adventure I seek.
Has love ever be this painful?
I could have worn a veil
to hide myself from people
my refuge from the pain.
Has love ever be this painful?
I could have written a song
where the rhythm is slow
and the melody is strong.
Has love ever be this painful?
I could have danced in the rain
soak myself to its chillness
so they won’t see my tears.
Yes, love had been this painful
cause I have written a poem
to which I am uncertain
if ever it will ever sound a gong.
tonight I am a sober man
dancing to the music and wine
wishing that I was numbed
amidst these festivities and fun
I let the spirit if Bacchus seep
with every gulp of beer I drink
sending a moment of momentary bliss
to everyone I smile and wink
tonight I lose this game of love
to Aphrodite’s snare and trap
that even Cupid could not stop
me from falling to her jagged lap
and so I plead on Apollo’s lair
to lend me his chariot and take me away
to a place where Persephone arises
from the dark cold place of Hades
tonight I am a sober man
dancing to the music and wine
letting myself flow to festive fun
to where all of this began.
